It's been a while since we let out a "Lock 'em up and throw away the key." But these people need to do time and be forced to pay big-time restitution. Then get treatment for their serious mental illness.

Today's hazards underfoot: sting rays and turtles.

I see that Oregon's toothless watchdog, the state ethics commission, isn't even interested in gumming Mayor McPothole over his "worthless" pair of front-row opening-night Blazer tickets.

That may be the right result, but it's a bad precedent. I've yet to see an official explanation of the commission's decision to do nothing, but there are only a few possible rationales for it, none of them very comforting:

1. The commission has decided that (a) there's an unwritten exception for gifts that enable a public official to appear with a guest at a public function in a "ceremonial" capacity; and (b) that appearances at the Blazers opening night is just such a "ceremony." How long before a banquet at Bluehour is "ceremonial"? And if the Blazer opener is such a "ceremony," why is this the first time I've ever heard of a mayor attending it? Did Vera go to 12 Blazer openers?

2. The commission has decided that since the mayor claims not to have enjoyed the game, the gift is worthless for purposes of the state ethics laws. This is the real irony -- the mayor's putdown of the Blazer experience, apparently in his own defense. "I hope they don't in the process trample on the ceremonial aspects of the job, the ones where you are there representing the city, you are not there for the entertainment." If the whole point was supposedly that he was there as a goodwill ambassador, that's an odd way to show it.

3. The commission has accepted the contention that the tickets had no value in the marketplace.

4. The commission does whatever it wants, without rhyme or reason, and it is so short-staffed and underfunded that no one dare ask more of it.

In other news, the ethics dudes collected a few hundred from some of the trashier characters in the Legislature for sneaking off on Hawaii golf trips. Whoopdee do.

An observant reader writes:

I don't know but it seemed that the Ikea sign was lower when I drove by it on the way home tonight.

Did they lower it?

Around-the-clock emergency meetings at Portland City Hall tonight. It seems that biodiesel is incompatible with socialism. In a hurriedly scheduled news conference, Sam the Tram assured a nervous public: "The couplet is probably still o.k."

The million-dollar condo dwellers in the SoWhat district are "average Joes and Janes."

What drivel. The "linchpin" seals it. Get a job, Ryan.

This evening a tarantula relieved itself on the palm of my hand.

An alert and helpful reader writes in with more about the latest phone directories that showed up, most unwanted, on our doorstep recently:

Just to follow up here, I did some more research today and found out that Verizon/Idearc subcontracts out the distribution of their directories to a company based in Kent, Washington called "Premiere Delivery Service." Their number is (253) 872-4700, and they will pick up your unwanted Verizon phone book.

UPDATE, 10:50 p.m.: And whatever you do, don't miss the movie.

In a move that appears uncharacteristically smart, the Blazers have named Kevin Pritchard, their relatively new personnel guy, as their general manager. Now if the people in Seattle will just stay out of the way for a while, we might be talking the beginnings of a reconciliation.

Of course, the Blazer hand is forever heavy. The e-mail announcement I got of the new appointment comes with a request to shoot in a hundred bucks deposit on a season ticket. Keep yer pants on, Paul.

Some days it's embarrassing to live here.

Here's a story that kills two birds with one sto -- er, accomplishes two tasks at once. It illustrates both the depth of the fiscal mismanagement in Portland city government and the shallowness of the city's old-boy daily newspaper.

It seems the Portland City Council is strutting around acting as if it's got money to burn, and it's busily debating how the extra funds should be spent. Send the ballet to Washington? Subsidize doula training?

Give me a break. What about the awful "deferred maintenance" that's ruining the city's streets, bridges, and parks? What about the gigantic unfunded police and fire pension liability that will surely bankrupt us? What about the hundreds of millions that we've borrowed, foolishly betting that the condo market will soar and new taxes will pay off the bonds? What about the sorry state of the police bureau? What about the crushing debt to fix the crumbling sewer system? Should we put some money aside for any or all of that?

Not on the screen anywhere. And the O just regurgitates the pandering, without even a hint of critical thinking. Just another fine day in the Rose City. A good day to take the kids somewhere else to show them where they might live when they grow up.

"Does the defendant have anything he wishes to say before sentencing?"

"Yeah, your honor. Where do you score your weed?"

The life forms who run private parking enforcement in Portland really do need a swift kick in the rear. Let's hope the Oregon Legislature gives them a good one. Check out this tale of woe, which I just received:

My daughter, husband and three young children drove from Corvallis to go to the zoo this afternoon. Afterward they went to the Uptown Shopping Center to shop at Phil’s Meat Market. J. was enthralled by the newly revamped market and as he continued to look around and choose items to purchase, M. ran across to World Market to see if she could find a few items for the children’s Easter baskets. When J. came out of Phil’s carrying his purchased items and receipt from Phil’s, he encountered a young man wearing one of those glowing vests next to J. and M.’s seven-year-old Honda Odyssey with a ticket he had just written. J. asked him what was going on … the young man said “your wife never should have crossed the street to World Market, so, you are getting a ticket.” J. was in disbelief and continued to force the young man to explain his actions until the young man finally walked away.

At least he didn't tow their van away.

Bad medical news today for another prominent political figure.

This actually looks like a neat way to kill a Wednesday.

Back in January, I blogged about my jury duty -- including live from the courthouse. I didn't write anything about the case on which I was being called as a potential juror -- at least, not until I was dismissed from the panel before the actual trial began. But nobody in the courtroom advised me what I could and couldn't post about, and none of the lawyers asked me or any of my fellow venirepersons whether we even had blogs.

Such reticence about this medium may soon become a thing of the past, as this article explains.

Congratulations to Blazer rookie sensation Brandon Roy. He and his girlfriend have a new addition: Brandon, Jr. Cool.

Trail Blazer star Zach Randolph has returned to the team from his lap dance bereavement leave, and after winning three games straight without him in the lineup, the Blazers have now lost two in a row with him. I was starting to come around to thinking he was worth the trouble he causes, but this is not a helpful trend in that regard. Maybe he should play in China for a while.

On a much happier note, there's this.

Southeast Portland blogger Darrel Plant points out the story in Sunday's New York Times about how New York City police fanned out across the country in 2003 and 2004 to spy on folks who they supposedly thought might disrupt the Republican Convention in the Big Apple. As the story points out, many law-abiding groups were infiltrated, including some unidentified organizations right here in Oregon.

Did anybody notice any people with Flatbush accents and cop shoes at the Kerry meetups in Portland? (Besides Vera Katz...)

You, too, can dance like a star. You just need to practice.

This post has led to this news story. So there was at least a grain of truth there.

I wish the Trib would get its facts straight, however. It refers to "a blog posting by... Jack Bogdanski that alleged a Portland police officer had been found to have a medical marijuana growing operation in his or her basement." The post did not say anything about medical marijuana -- that was a way-off-base suggestion by a commenter. The post also did not express an opinion about the truth or falsity of the rumor that had been sent to me. And the e-mail I printed did not say that the officer, who was not identified, "had been found to have" anything. It said that marijuana was discovered growing in his basement, without saying who might have been growing it there.

Finally, my employer, identified by the Trib, has nothing to do with that post or anything else written on this blog. It's my hobby.

UPDATE, 4:17 p.m.: At least the reference to "medical" has been taken out of the Trib story.

UPDATE, 5:27 p.m.: Some additional changes have been made to the language of the Trib story that better reflect what I originally posted. Thanks, Nick.

Here's an interesting story for your spring break -- especially if you have a connection to Los Angeles, but perhaps even if you don't.

You know you can't trust someone who purposely doesn't have an e-mail account, so that you can't tell who said what to whom, and when.

People like the President of the United States. And the attorney general of the United States.

UPDATE, 2:29 p.m.: As Butterbean alertly points out in the comments to this post, this whole e-mail thing has gotten even more interesting.

A reader writes:

Hey Jack. Hope you all had a good weekend. Stevie and I took a trip down to the SoWhat district as I wanted to see what I'm paying for... it reminded me of the towers in Vancouver BC and Chicago...but I'm not keen on those either. Anyway, we toured a $400,000 1 bedroom unit on the 7th floor, a $600,000 1 bedroom unit (same as the first one except on the 17th floor) and a million dollar 2 bedroom. I can honestly say they were ugly, ugly, ugly. The same countertops in the 1 bedroom were in the million unit, as were the cabinets and built-ins. The cabinets looked like the cherry wood synthetic ones you buy at Ikea. Even the islands in the kitchen were granite set on top of spindly legs that you could move around. Not impressive. Anyway, they really tried to sell the fact the buildings were green and had rooftop gardens and a pet area of their own. AND she went on to push the new park. (Grrrr.) The best part was the sign (I took a picture) explaining that the greenway in front of the condo tower was public access, but if you got too loud or were doing something the residents didn't like, they would kick you out. Welcome to the neighborhood!!

This would never be tolerated in Portland. For one thing, he didn't buy a carbon offset.