This page contains a single entry from the blog posted on December 21, 2010 2:39 PM. The previous post in this blog was Getting a 'dog for Christmas. The next post in this blog is Oregon population growth slows to 1.14% per year. Many more can be found on the main index page or by looking through the archives.

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Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Welcome to our cyber-office Christmas party

Great news, people -- Kulongoski just pardoned the whole party!

Comments (182)

Nuts, I hate being the first to arrive...can I help set up?

Thanks. Can you stick some toothpicks in these cocktail weenies?

You said weenie. Huh-huh, huh-huh. Sure no problem. Do we have enough ice?

I'm on a holiday diet, will there be non-fried foods from a sustainable farm in Happy Valley?

We're going to have chicken that was allowed to run around a lot.

Merry Christmas y'all! Everyone can take the rest of the day off.

Try the artichoke dip. Trust me on this one.

Me, I'm bringing Texas family-style barbecue. I'll even grease the pan: it's special grease.


(And yes, it's not even close to being worksafe if your boss doesn't have a warped sense of humor.)

Okay...who brought the Frank Zappa Rock Band set? (I'm not complaining. I legitimately want to know.)

Cool: someone brought in holiday karaoke:


Jack, this is way too easy . . .

Cocktail weenies? I didn't know Sam and his creative entourage were here.

Hey, could you please use a cup on that punch bowl? Not a straw? Thanks.

I hope you have Tri-Met day passes for all of us to have a sober ride home from the office.

Who brought the green beans that were grown on the city hall eco-roof? They taste funny.

I'm trying to drop ten pounds between Thanksgiving and Christmas. Those tater tots aren't helping.

Jack, will there be any celebs or dignitaries at the party this year?

Other than yourself, I mean.

Ah, now this is my kind of party. Not even two hours in, and it looks like Hunter S. Thompson camped out here for a month.

I'm already drunk!

"...so my boss tells him 'THIS IS NOT WAR! THIS IS PEST CON-TROL!' And then the guy says..."

Hey. What's in those brownies?

Don't look at me, Allan. I don't do anything other than freebasing Preparation H these days.

Okay, who brought the garden salad?

Don't anyone use the restroom for 15 or 20 min.

I brought my grandmother's fruitcake.

The guy on the unicycle is not part of the entertainment. I don't know where he came from.

You know the best thing about not being able to drink? It's seeing the expressions on everyone's faces when someone passes out in the clothes hamper. You'd think that people would have learned after last year. In fact, I should have called Johnny Knoxville and used it as an audition.

"What do you get when you put Sam Adams and the corpse of Mao Tse-Tung in a broom closet?" No, it's not a joke. I need to know right now. (Jack, where do you keep your spare coal shovels and flamethrowers? I may be cleaning for a while.)

Watches Lucifer saunter in, throw a few large logs on the fire and drop off a bowl of eggnog with a large bottle of Capt. Morgan's spiced rum. Watch out for all that nutmeg in the nog though ..


Lucifer has a sneaky side.

Let me toss an old 45 on the old hi fi:


You know that one jerk at every party who goes on and on about how the city he lives in is so much better than any other? It's my turn: "Ha! You guys have an IFC miniseries based on Portland? Well, Dallas has a whole movie!"

Is there an app for this?

Did somebody lose a cigar cutter?

TTR - Dallas has a moldy, oldy night time soap opera with the Ewings (JR and Sue Ellen and company), porn with Debbie doing the doing, etc. And Dallas is welcome to that fame.... ;-)

If you would like to make your own Christmas music, here you go:

I'm bringing a glass that I swiped from the Arlington Club. That and a dollar will buy me a block in South Waterfront.

Lucs, and don't forget that we were the inspiration for both Beavis and Butt-Head AND King of the Hill. "I don't want you goin' to Dallas at all. That place is crawlin' with crackheads and debutantes, and half of 'em play for the Cowboys."

Hey, Jack, do we have any more ice? Oh, and where's the loo?

Fireworks in the garden, in ten minutes!

Hey I almost forgot - I have a case of low tax Crown Royal bought here in Reno! They were selling it for $14.99 on special for a 750 ML bottle a few days after Thanksgiving..Anyone for some drinks?

Hey guys & gals! Sorry I'm late! I took the dreaded bus and you know how late those ancient beasts can be sometimes. Should have hopped on one of those sparkly "trams" as Portlandia likes to call it.

Do you have some room in your fridge for this batch of homemade eggnog?

I used enough bourbon to sterilize surgical equipment, but with a dozen egg yolks in it I'd rather not see it get to room temperature.

There's a long line for the bathroom. How far is it to the nearest publicly subsidized toilet? But wait, do we really want the city to tweet about this party?

Checking in from rainy southern ca! French dip sandwiches for all!

When is Bill McDonald showing up?
Things should really liven up then.

Mmmmmm... French dip sandwiches...

Bill's out on the fire escape rehearsing "O Holy Night" -- his blue version!

Re: "Me, I'm bringing Texas family-style barbecue. I'll even grease the pan: it's special grease."

TXTR, is it time to sing a TXmas party song yet?:

"By God we're so darn proud to be from Texas -- yahoo!
Even of our pride we're proud and we're proud of that pride, too
Our pride about our home state is the proudest pride indeed,
And we're proud to be Americans, until we can secede"

Did somebody lose a cigar cutter?

I need that back. There's a briss later on across town. Meanwhile, where's that egg nog?

Whoa, who is that gal under the mistletoe?

Dave, don't get me started on the OLCC.

I want take you up on the Crown Royal but all I could find are these margarita glasses.

Whoa, who is that gal under the mistletoe?

The glasses make her even hotter.

Merry Christmas everyone!

Is there a band...there should be a band...

Put a bird on it!!

Not to mention the tat on the back of her neck. Complete Stumptown Hottie!!!

Oh by the way, whoever is driving the Prius, your lights are on.

Jack, it's time to get a new karaoke machine. This one doesn't have a single GWAR song on it. Not ONE.

Seriously, ever notice that the best sign of a good party is when you step outside to catch some fresh air, and you're stunned for the next half-hour by how beautiful the stars are at this hour? Mars and Saturn are up, too, so come on out and take a look.

I started out early and faded for a while, but now I'm back with 25 lbs of stone crab claws.
They are on sale at the local Publix market down on Rt 1. So dig in everyone!
Oooo look at that great lamp shade with the fringe...just my style, don't cha think?
That drink in the martini glass has a kick to it, Jack.

Some Billy Holliday... you choose...

Well, if Bill doesn't sing it, I have a great recording by Michael Crawford, but it's too churchy!

I'll take a Chivas Regal, or maybe a '61 Lynch Bages Cab.

We might as well enjoy this - might be the last cyber party with net neutrality kicking in!

Hey I heard a great joke the other day...this City of Portland Bureau of Planning and Sustainability employee walks into a bar and starts to Twitter about the bike lanes on the road outside when in walks Randy Leonard, who is wearing a DAMN I SPILLED MY DRINK hang on let me clean this up.

I have a batch of Bearnaise Sauce to go with those crab claws.

The band is here:

Hey, you were busy, Jack, so I got the door ... some guy in a black coat, said he was from the FBI and wanted us to put the suspicious looking package he was carrying under the tree. I said sure and he left. It's the one wrapped in brown paper with the funny-looking writing on it. Hope that was okay.

Somebody in the kitchen was saying they have some friends who are supposed to drop by to scout the location and shoot some interior scenes for the TV show second season script possibilities. Just a heads up. Smile, people, or sing, or whatever normal Portlandia behavior is - Hollywood is in the house

I assume they are playing Tuba Mirum.

"... h-h-h-h-h-hump on your back? Everything else in here was so h-h-h-h-h-high, I thought it was y-y-your a*s!"

Let's open that champagne Jack showed off earlier too, Lawrence.

"...so I said 'And now, I'm gonna sneak up and jam my thumb up his butthole. That'll really piss him orf!'"

Uh oh. Don't you hate those pauses between songs?

Is she kidding in that outfit?

Try the artichoke dip.

EWWW! Isn't he the mayor?

Things might get really rank if Major Dewche
shows up tonight!

I know real, and those aren't real. One more implant, and she'll be declaring war on the Daleks.

No one invited the mayor. Can't we just send him away?

Hiz honor might drink all the booze.

"...so I was considering a career as a barista or a DJ, but I decided to be true to myself. Copyright law, baby. It's the only way to be real."

Damn. And I just hosed off the back porch, too. Portland Native, you grab his arms, and I'll take his legs. We can hang him by his feet off the side of the house and tell everyone that he's a Viking pinata.

Suppose Ben hasn't arrived yet, as he was at a tri-met meeting.

Uh oh...

The Bearnaise is going fast!

Where can I recycle this broken Christmas ornament? (sorry about that)

Merry Christmas Jack. Cutting out of work early to run some more pre-Christmas errands but I wanted to stop in to say Hi, make some personal non-work-related copies, and steal a few pens. Christmas IS the season of giving... but you need some takers to complete the equation.


Thank you, but no. Any more chocolate, and I'll be like the mouse in Rock 'n Roll High School.

Texas Triffid Ranch,
Did you go outside to see the eclipse last night?

Rich and Jack,
You better look again, that gal under the mistletoe with glasses looks like Vera!

TTR...we could make mayor pinatas as ornaments.

Clinamen, how could I not? I even lucked out and spotted a Ursid meteor about halfway through the eclipse. (The air in Dallas is unnaturally clear right now, and I can make out the sword of Orion in the middle of the city. Considering our normal haze and the light pollution, that's saying something. Give me a telescope, and I'd look for the Apollo 11 landing site.)

I can't finish this. May I have a doggie glass?

We saw the eclipse too. Glad to be somewhere with clear skies.

As you may notice, I'm not from around here. Anyone up for singing my ancestor's traditional Christmas song?


Hey, Jack, you don't have any place for me to park my bike!!!

Does this look infected to you?

Damn, Jack. If you want, I'll amputate it right now.

Hey: Sorry I'm late. Tried to take the street car over the Broadway Bridge, but it never came so I had to walk through 6 ft. snow drifts up Broadway, and was hit by a cyclist without lights while in the crosswalk at 15th. But I had my ObamaCare card so the ambulance gave me a ride right to your door. The ET's also gave me some hormone free steaks to keep the swelling down. Where's the grill?

Okay. OKAY. I apologize for saying that Portland is "Gary, Indiana with trees." Now will you let me off the roof? It's raining out here.

Is the mayor here?

Drew, he's already hanging off the corner of the house by his big toes. Go back home and get your cricket bat.

It's almost time to hang the special ornament!

Drew, I'm sorry, I didn't think I hit you that hard. But I couldn't tell without any lights.

That guy, the one over there, has a thing about letting the cat out of the bedroom. This time, I replaced the cat with a fully grown crocodile monitor. Let's see if he notices.

Merry Christmas every one. It's getting late here so party on!

Spam sushi! Jack, you're from Dallas after all, aren't you?

I got rings on my fingers
Bells on my tows
Elephants to rude to ride,
My wild, wild rose..

C'mon! Sing along!

Don't encourage my cousin.

Um...Jack? That's not mistletoe. If she gets turned on over stinkweed, I worry about her.

How late is Widmer open? The keg is starting to float.

You know, today would have been Frank Zappa's 70th birthday. Anyone up for a round robin of "Bobby Brown Is Going Down"?

TTF knows about missles, being in Texas.

Do you know if you switch the e with the a in Texas you get...Taxes!

Tina Rocks!

Well, I'm out of here. Jack, I know you begged me not to use your bathroom, so I didn't. Just don't use your dishwasher for a while, either, okay?

Sorry I can't make it - Bend is all snowed in. Too bad, I made Christmas cookies.

If you want, I'll amputate it right now.

I'll handle it. Pass me that cigar cutter.

Anyone see that new gun I was showing off earlier?

You mean Vera? Last time I noticed, the mistletoe was on her coattails!

Hello All,

Was that Jeff Cogen I saw at the corner wrestling with a giant Monitor Lizard?

Can you talk to them for a while? I'm going out on the back porch for a couple of minutes.

Got somthin' strong to drink? It'd for Rudolph, his nose ain't to bright!

(Some people think I ain't eithrt!)

Barbecued ribs at midnight!

Thanks for bringing in the band! Hope you don't mind...a few of my friends came by to join us...they brought beer!!

Jack, I am here wondering where your permits are. I mean you cannot be having a food cart party inside your house without going through my permitting process. I am afraid my goon squad will be by later to shut this illegal business down. Unless of course you have 10 spare g-notes for my re-election as mayor

Rudolph don' need no barbecue ribs! Rudolph needs drink!

TTR - How can you say such awful things (funny though) about South America's favorite American football team. At least in Portland, the city made sure you Americans are getting treated to real football.

Jack, is that bud leaf I see in your wreath. Lady Ganja might be flyin' in from NY now to partake of your partay

Is that what that is?

Sorry Randy! Jack's here at the NP with me tonight.

You don' have jurydiction up here do you?

Texas Triffid Ranch,
Before you leave, you might want to give the Mayor who has been hanging around the party outside a ride to Cars R Us.

The party's over ????

Listen St Nick don't make me call in the joint terrorism task force over your unauthorized flights over US airspace. If you know what is good for you and how powerful I am you will stay out of my dealing with the Bog. Besides permits, I think Bogs are under the jurisdiction of the Water Bureau

My bike's gone missing. Where's the nearest Zip Car?

Ha! You can't find me, evah!

Would you like some of my cookies and milk before you leave?

I ran into Santa on the MAX on my way over, but he wasn't looking too good.

What did you hit me with, a MAX truck?

Is it midnight yet? I changed my mind about dem ribs. Rudolph can go fly a kite!

Sorry I missed the party. I got fired at Noon while everyone was at lunch, virtually and unvirtuously escorted out by two "offduty" cops who reeked of cheap cologne and wintergreen snus. The HR eunuch said it was something about my IP address, but I think it was my sh*tfacedbook post about the side action on that office "charity" football pool. No hard feelings. I've retained a Kafoury.

I did bring along one of his little helpers though.

Nah! I fired her last year!

She can stay at the party, though, right?

She's ok to help Randy out with his milk and cookies....

Wow! Now that Randy Leonard has come to the party, I'll stick around awhile.

People confuse me for Randy all the time. Sorry to dissapoint. Where's the food?

The party's only 6 hours long. Where did everybody go?

Ah, Gibby! Fresh blood! Just got back from dinner myself.

Could you turn down the hi-fi a little? I think the guy next door is calling the PoPo.

That's on the Limpopo River, Jack. Gotta shout a little louder!

Everybody is in the backyard passing around some of the "Christmas wreath" Jack brought out at 5:37.

Take a doggie bag. We can't eat all this.

Don't you have a doggie bag app around here somewhere Jack?

Thanks Jack for the party.
Best wishes to all for the season,
yawn . .
was up till 2:00am last night for the eclipse and solstice event.

Hey Guys, sorry I am late...I did bring a appetizer, don't worry pig out on it, the city of Portland paid for it (what a bunch of suckers). The paid 8 times what I told them it would and it is 50% pork fat!!! Cheers....

Oh, I am sorry, I must have the wrong address. I am looking for the high school choir Christmas party. Do you know where it is?

Wha -- huh? I was not passed out. I was just resting my eyes.

Has anybody seen my pet scapegoat? I had her tied to the clothes dryer vent in the laundry room. I gotta get her back to a nativity scene over on 39th street before midnight.

Hey everybody, if you parked out on the street: THEY'RE TOWING all the cars.

ohmygawd! what have I started ...

Tenskwatawa, d'you mean the scene on 39th AVE?

Hey, Jack, there's a scene in the bedroom
... might be a liability risk

39th street, Gardiner. in the 'couv

Mmmm, are those Schweddy Balls, Jack?

It's time, people -- time for the annual hanging of our special ornament:

Mmmmmm. Ribs.

Just found Mayor Creepy (naked) wrestling with a coyote over some ribs in the bushes out front...think im going to have to call OSP Fish & Wildlife to put them both down.

Merry Christmas! My cab is here...

Drinking the backwash out of the glasses strewn amongst the unmentionables on the floor. Had to. Saw Creepy petting the coyote...

Thanks for the party, Jack!

Seeing as I showed up late. Does that mean I have to help with the clean up? cuz I'm not touching the mess Sam left out front with that coyote..

What happens at the cyber-office Christmas party stays at the cyber-office Christmas party.

Time for early-morning Christmas carols. Come on, everybody: "Mister Hanky, the Christmas Poo..."

Ummm... I still can't find my car keys.

I can't find my car.....cellphones dead, oh my aching head!

Mmmphh - snork - hack!

Oh, man. I didn't mean to spend the night. I don't think sleeping in the loveseat was good for my back.

Where's coffee and breakfast?

How is everyone feeling this morning?

No aching head for me,thanks to staying up late the night before for the solstice eclipse, I had to leave the party early.

Sorry I missed it. I had to go to an actual gathering where people didn't even interact with computers. How primitive is that?

That was fun...thanks again for hosting, Jack!

Hey everyone! I brought a whole case of the expensive stuff and some friends of mine who are dancers down at the... Uhhhh, where is everyone? Isn't the party tonight?

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