And babe, don't you know it's a pity
Unless all the weather people are mistaken, it's time to pull the hot weather clichés out of mothballs and dust them off for a busy weekend. You can always get things rolling today with "Hot enough for ya?" By Sunday, "You can fry an egg on the sidewalk." In the meantime, there's always stuff like "It's so hot, I just saw a squirrel rubbing sunscreen on his nuts." For a change of pace, try "But at least it's a dry heat." Or "Last week we were complaining that we were cold." Then some radio station plays that wonderful, horrible song by the Lovin' Spoonful.
Maybe we just ought to assign numbers to these, and to save time and energy, we can just say the numbers to each other instead of the whole clichés. "Hot enough for ya?" can be no. 1, "You can fry an egg on the sidewalk" can be no. 2, etc. Here's a demonstration of the efficiencies that can be achieved with this new system:
Old system:
She: Geez, It's so hot out there, you can fry an egg on the sidewalk!
He: I know, but at least it's a dry heat.
New system:
She: Two!
He: Four.
See? It works.
Now that that's settled, it's way past time to invent some new catchphrases. I've been working on these, but I'm not getting very far yet:
"It's so hot, I'm going to queue up for a sponge bath in a Benson bubbler."
"It's so hot, I just saw a cop dip his Taser in a slushie at the Plaid Pantry."
"It's hotter than Emilie Boyles's armpit in a sauna."
"Hotter than a credit card in a Whole Foods scanner."
"Hotter than the golden showers coming off the SmartPark garage."
"Hotter than an investment with Craig Berkman."
Close, but not quite. Come on, readers, help us out.
| Posted at 10:58 AM | Permalink |
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Comments (33)
Hotter than bellyboarding on a lava floe
Posted by ejs | June 27, 2008 11:20 AM
Hotter than a well diggers ass...
Posted by Michael | June 27, 2008 11:36 AM
Hotter than a red-headed roofer in phoenix...
Posted by Mark | June 27, 2008 11:37 AM
Fa più caldo che a Chernobyl nell'ottobre dell'86.
[sti americani ce vengono a fare i giochi di parole scemi nei blog altrui...]
Got it?!
Posted by sarah | June 27, 2008 11:50 AM
I understand the first part, but that bit in parentheses is throwing me. Something about clam sauce when you're on probation?
Posted by Jack Bog | June 27, 2008 11:57 AM
hotter than a crackheads crack pipe
Posted by meg | June 27, 2008 12:01 PM
Yeah, but let's make it more topical: Hotter than Amy Winehouse's crack pipe.
Posted by Jack Bog | June 27, 2008 12:05 PM
Hotter than the air rising from the Visioning Meeting in Portland earlier this month.
Posted by Bob W | June 27, 2008 12:06 PM
Down in Eugene, it's so hot, they're deep-frying tofu in the patchouli oil.
Posted by Jack Bog | June 27, 2008 12:10 PM
So hot it's giving the Blazers' new roster a run for its money...
Now that's topical. And shameless.
Posted by TKrueg | June 27, 2008 12:17 PM
Hotter than the chafing in Al Gore's inner thighs when he recently started jogging again.
Posted by Bob W | June 27, 2008 12:19 PM
It's so hot, Sam Adams is drinking at straight bars in order to cool off.
It's so hot, people are crowding into Portland City Council meetings to get the cold shoulder.
It's so hot, the Portland Development Commission has decided to hold its next meeting inside Homer Williams' limousine.
Posted by Musician | June 27, 2008 12:21 PM
the Blazers' new roster
Hotter than a bong in Rasheed Wallace's Hummer.
Posted by Jack Bog | June 27, 2008 12:22 PM
So hot BoJack showed up at a John McCain fundraiser just for the free beer.
Posted by Bob W | June 27, 2008 12:25 PM
It's so hot, Randy Leonard just declared Timberline Lodge part of the Lents urban renewal district.
Posted by Jack Bog | June 27, 2008 12:26 PM
Hotter then the Soul Train Spotlight Dance.
Posted by meg | June 27, 2008 12:31 PM
It's so hot, the Portland City Council decided that instead of moving I-5 away from the Willamette River, they should move the Willamette River over to Fourth Avenue (FKA Cesar Chavez Blvd.)
Posted by Bob W | June 27, 2008 12:33 PM
It is so hot, T.A. Barnhart is calling people Guy.
Posted by meg | June 27, 2008 12:36 PM
It's so hot, Elizabeth Furse is standing next to Jeff Merkley just for the shade.
Posted by Jack Bog | June 27, 2008 12:48 PM
It's so hot I almost drank the Kool-Aid Homer was handing out.
Posted by J | June 27, 2008 1:46 PM
Hotter than Randy peddling Sams bike at CGW.
Posted by Art | June 27, 2008 1:51 PM
It is so hot the city council was spotted drinking slurpees at Petersons.
It is so hot that Jonathan Maus drove his car to work.
It is so hot Lars Larson took off his gun belt.
Posted by John Benton | June 27, 2008 2:22 PM
It's so hot, Republicans stopped burning science textbooks.
Posted by Scott | June 27, 2008 2:27 PM
It's Hotter than playing footsie with Larry Craig
Posted by Pete Ayres | June 27, 2008 2:44 PM
It is so hot Citizen Chris Smith is now a puddle of oil.
Posted by meg | June 27, 2008 2:59 PM
It's so hot, all the polar bears at the Oregon Zoo are demanding bikini waxes.
Posted by Musician | June 27, 2008 3:28 PM
It's so hot my carbon footprint is sweating.
Posted by Oh my | June 27, 2008 4:10 PM
Hotter than a charette facilitator.
Posted by Cynthia | June 27, 2008 4:23 PM
"It's so hot, Republicans stopped burning science textbooks."
heh heh heh heh heh
It's so hot I just cut-and-pasted this one instead of thinking of my own.
Posted by Pat Malach | June 27, 2008 5:34 PM
it's so hot instead of hauling out my new humongous recycling bin I just threw everything in the garbage.
Posted by J | June 27, 2008 9:51 PM
It's so hot that the temperature has to be measured in Carlins.
Posted by telecom | June 27, 2008 10:05 PM
We got married in a beater
Hotter than a Brussels sprout!
We been talk’n ‘bout Gresham
Ever since the fire went out
I’m going to Gresham
(gonna mess around)
I’m going to Gresham
Goodbye Portland town!
Posted by Geoff | June 28, 2008 8:08 AM
it's so hot, Dick Cheney had to bathe in the blood of the innocent twice.
Posted by ecohuman.com | June 28, 2008 3:37 PM