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Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Top 10 Other Things Tri-Met Buses Should Say

Tri-Met is testing new equipment on its buses, that will announce to pedestrians when the bus is about to turn. The buses will say, "Pedestrian, bus is turning. Pedestrian, bus is turning."

But if the buses can talk, why should they say only one thing? Here now are the --

Top 10 Other Things Tri-Met Buses Should Say

10. "Taxpayer, bend over. Taxpayer, bend over."

9. "Warning. Operator in bad mood."

8. "Cyclist, you are toast. Cyclist, you are toast."

7. "Guy in third row needs bath."

6. "WES works. WES works."

5. "Cars are evil. Cars are evil."

4. "This bus line is being discontinued for trains."

3. "Muertos a mi derecha."

2. "Driver is turning a page on his Kindle."

And the Number 1 Other Thing That Tri-Met Buses Should Say:

1. "Go by streetcar."

Comments (21)

How about "Bicyclist on the bridge: someone's getting off to kick your ass."

Don't forget, "Employers, pay up: your payroll tax is due."

Approaching 82nd, the Avenue of Roses. Please have your passports ready.

"Driver made over $100,000 last year. Thank you for your support."

"Oops, I'm sorry. Did that hurt? It looked very painful."

Please translate these unto hmong. Thank you and ua koj tsaug.

How about: (Crickets chirping) at a stop where a bus used to run but no longer is because of light rail expenditures.

"You can't get there from here"

"Bạn không thể đến đó từ đây"

"We don't go there anymore"

"Chúng tôi không đến đó nữa"

Thank you Google translate, and no insult intended to my Vietnamese friends.

People in glass shelters shouldn't throw bricks.

Maybe they should have a kill switch (no pun intended) that is connected to the crosswalk signals. That way, if it says "walk" the bus engine gets shut off so they dont run over anyone in the crosswalk.

"We don't care. We don't have to.
We're Trimet!"

Tri-Met: leave the pedestrians to us.

How about "we used to be a great bus system responsive to the needs of our riders" but now we have cut necessary inner-city bus lines and the buses are no longer clean and do not run on time. Yes, there has been a horrible drift to the lrt, not the red or blue or yellow per se, but TriMet is dissipating it's resources in search of the almighty federal matching dollar. They need to remember WHY THEY ARE THERE, and that is to serve the people. And I'm not talking about the yuppie commuting in from Laurelhurst. I'm talking about the folks who can't afford cars, seniors, and the disabled. TriMet has forgotten its mission which is funny since they are there to keep pollution levels down per the Clean Air Act. Oh I can hardly wait for next summer when we get our asses fined off.

I can't wait until someone who doesn't speak english or spanish get hit and they start having a myriad of languages spewing for 10 minutes at every stop. What happened to learning the native language-english?

And what about the deaf?

"We lied about how many cars we keep off the roads. The numbers are strictly a figment of our imagination."

Sadly, I can't find a good way to translate "Ever get the feeling you've been cheated?" into Klingon.

TriMet. It's what made Rockwood famous.

More than likely, the recordings will simply become part of the background noise of Downtown Portland. I pity those who live near a TriMet route turn in a residential area who will have to put up with this nanny state announcement 20 hours a day, 7 days a week.

What ever happened to common sense? Or looking to see if traffic is coming before crossing the street? Or waiting for the “walk” signal? Or the even larger list of traffic fatalities caused by private vehicle owners who don’t really know how to drive, they simply paid the license fee?

When I attended one of the TriMet Safety and Security Dog-and-Pony–er–Meetings, a consultant mentioned that within the previous few weeks of the meeting, a pregnant woman was struck and killed by a turning bus with audible and visual warnings.

Besides, the announcements miss the bus. (I could say “boat,” but that doesn’t make sense here.)

What the practically 20-year-old 1700s, 1800s, and 1900s should say:
“Caution: Bus is 20 years old and held together with string and duct tape. Watch for falling debris.”

For our friends who post links to relevant posts on sites like this:
“Visit this bus operators’ blog at (url)!”

And what all TriMet vehicles should say in Downtown Portland, turning or not:
“Panhandlers: Go to the social service agency and stop giving Portland such a bad name!”

"Toss your rightwingers under front flap -- LIARS first."

"Lurid. Lies. Sold you. Now hear this: All Twits remain in your assigned demographic profiles -- no cross-foliating. Be sure to tune-in tonight at 6 o'clock for the dose that splatters your view, sponsored by Your Message Here."

These bus blurbs have been brought to you with:

Spy Bloggers Not ‘Friending’ U.S. Targets, Centcom Says, Common Dreams .ORG, Wednesday, March 2, 2011.

... shouting out loud over and over that it was conservative values that caused the global economic collapse: Talk matters because language heard over and over changes brains," George Lakoff .COM, February 19, 2011.

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