Kim Jong-Il denounces Greek Cusina
In a surprise announcement, North Korea strongman Kim Jong-Il this morning declared that the Greek Cusina restaurant in downtown Portland should be closed for fire code violations.
The Communist dictator was effusive in his praise of the actions taken by Portland city commissioner Randy Leonard in sending out his "hit" team of city inspectors to turn up numerous code violations at the boisterous Washington Street eatery and bistro. Kim's press office released this statement:
The respected and beloved Comrade Randy Leonard's high ascension to BES supreme commander laid a decisive basis for ceaselessly carrying forward the great construction cause of livability pioneered and led to victory by the great leader Comrade Randy Leonard and gloriously perfecting the great cause of the sustainability revolution by firmly inheriting military-first traditions passed down like so many recipes for Caesarean salad.Kim also announced a new sister city relationship between Portland and his own country's capital city, Pyongyang.The respected and extremely fit comrade supreme commander walks the path along the frontline tirelessly, climbing roofs of burning schoolhouses, because he considers on-the-spot inspections of the people's uniformed units an indispensable part of his revolutionary schedule devoted to the defence of the security of the homeland and the happiness of the people, and he stood in a trench along the long defence line this year, bravely side by side with the commander of the great Army of Timber in the face of withering challenge.
The beloved and thickly pensioned comrade supreme commander's energetic on-the-spot inspections of blighted properties are the fundamental source of numerous miracles and innovations in strengthening the politico-ideological and military technology might of his revolutionary armed forces and preventing great loss of life.
The respected and beloved Supreme Commander Comrade Randy Leonard, knowing danger when he sees it, fortified the military bastions of his revolution like iron walls by grooming the Water Bureau as a revolutionary army winning all victories under his great military-first politics and work-first revolutionary leadership, sacrificing personal life while paving the way for glorious victories and amazing changes in the people's do-or-die war of defending public-private partnership and sustainable construction struggle on the basis of the city's planning power.
Under the outstanding leadership of the respected and beloved comrade supreme commander, his army and people have been able to sternly smash the anti-PDC isolation and suffocation policy and aggression manoeuvres of the convicted pornographer murderers running amok to wipe out the republic, a stronghold of smart growth, in an ultra-hard-line counter strike, defend the homeland, and proudly demonstrate the invincible greatness and ever-victorious spirit of the Portlandia, in its many emblematic food carts, the paths of bicycles, the neon rose and other display accomplishments.
As long as the Papas brothers' hostile policy against the republic continues, he will further strengthen the military deterrent from concept to construction in order to adhere to the system, and, if the enemies press on towards provoking a war of aggression, his army and people will mercilessly wipe out enemies as chlorine does to bacteria by their military-first power and resolutely defend the dignity and sovereignty of the city and Metro.
The road to revolution is long and hard, but the great cause of the green revolution will be always victories as long as Portland has the military-first revolutionary leadership of the respected and beloved Supreme Commander Comrade Randy Leonard, single-hearted unity among its union ranks, and invincible revolutionary armed forces.
| Posted at 5:06 AM | Permalink |
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Comments (18)
Just as well - downtown pdx doesn't need thriving businesses.
Posted by Tillamook Chuck | December 8, 2009 5:53 AM
Rumors are coming out of City Hall that Randy wants to replace the inflatable octopus with a neon octopus with tentacles that undulate into the letters R-A-N-D-Y.
Posted by Garage Wine | December 8, 2009 6:34 AM
Whew! Serious case of acid rain, Jack!
Posted by Lawrence | December 8, 2009 7:10 AM
Funny, but IMHO it would be funnier if you changed "challenge" to "struggle."
Posted by James | December 8, 2009 7:15 AM
Hilarious!
Posted by Mike D | December 8, 2009 8:27 AM
Can we get a volume discount on those cute littel tan outfits for the new water cops? Randy's will have to have lots of black and gold braid on them, of course, to show he is the supreme leader.
And your are correct Chuck...downtown Portland doesn't have many businesses left, but will all the little water cops and the 'clean and safe' sweepers(in green) running around, downtown will look busy.
Posted by portland native | December 8, 2009 8:31 AM
Not that it's such a big deal...but I don't know that sticking up for Ted Papas is really the right thing to do. Anyone can run a juiced up frat bar that is a virtual STD cesspool like he does. It's just that if you or I ran it we probably wouldn't make it a death trap like Papas did by remodeling it and just ignoring regulations.
Posted by Garrett | December 8, 2009 8:56 AM
Hmmm. I hope Randy doesn't get the idea to start a personal nuke arsenal in violation of UN mandates.
Posted by Snards | December 8, 2009 9:06 AM
Whoa Jack! Not getting a little carried away on this one are we? Nevertheless Kim Jong-Il is always good for a laugh.
Posted by Dean | December 8, 2009 9:30 AM
Randy is easy to dislike personally, but he's probably the most effective city pol we have right now. He found a way to close the prostitution/drug den at 4th and Burnside that was allowed to fester for decades. I fully support his enforcement efforts against the Greek Cuisina, which is not only a nuisance, but is structurally unsafe. Yes, he can be temperamental and obnoxious, and no, he doesn't win all his battles (the tram is the most obvious example) but he's on the right side of things more often than not. Warts and all, I'd much prefer him for mayor over Adams, Potter, or Katz.
Posted by MarciaFS | December 8, 2009 11:01 AM
Oh but beloved Supreme Commander Comrade Randy Leonard is so ronery...
Posted by dg | December 8, 2009 11:28 AM
"juiced up frat bar that is a virtual STD cesspool"
If that was justification for shutting down bars half of the joints in Portland would be shut down.
I agree Papas is a jackass but the question remains do we believe in due process or not?
Knowing someone like Randy is around would make me think twice about locating a biz in Portland.
Posted by Mike H | December 8, 2009 12:26 PM
It's called the Rule of Law, people. We have a right, I would say _obligation_, to stand up for rational rules, fairly and equitably enforced. As Colin Powell said, it's not about them, it's about us. We need to be better than this personal hit squad business. The end does not justify the means.
Posted by dyspeptic | December 8, 2009 2:49 PM
Randy Leonard and Ted Pappas are made for each other.
Posted by Garage Wine | December 8, 2009 2:55 PM
MarciaFS,
By that same rationale, George Bush should have been elected to a third term in a landslide. "Dumb policies, but hey, let's give him credit for trying hard to shove those dumb policies down our throats." Please.
Posted by Mike (the other one) | December 8, 2009 4:37 PM
If there is ever a fire at the Cusina while the 3rd floor bar is crowded, people will die. There's only one staircase and it is far too steep and narrow to safely evac that floor in an emergency. That was patently obvious to me the first time I visited, which was about 8 years ago.
Posted by Stanton | December 8, 2009 7:04 PM
I'm sure that whomever Fireman Randy hands the building over to has a nice condo conversion in mind that will eliminate those fire hazards.
Posted by Jack Bog | December 8, 2009 7:12 PM
randy leonard is such a real arrogant jerk to businesses and it appalls me that you portland voters keep voting for him.randys nonstop arrogance and pushy attitude is one big reason why oregon especially the portland area has one of the highest unemployment rates in the nation.is this what you really want portlanders a leader who keeps on treating businesses like crap?come on get some sense portland voters and get rid of this guy.
Posted by matthew vantress | December 9, 2009 9:18 AM