The nickel-and-diming from Portland City Hall never stops. For a while we have been worried that the City Council would put a turnstile on our front door, and charge us every time we left the house. It's not quite that bad yet, but a reader warns that we're about to head in that direction. He writes:

From time to time your readers send you documents from inside city government, and some of them are pretty ominous. Still, nothing you've received so far is as scary as this secret internal memo. I received it from someone on the inside who knows Randy. It's from Mayor Sam Adams about the latest program to generate revenue. We've seen bio-fee plans before such as the leaf removal fee, but I think you'll agree, this takes it to a whole new level:

"From the Office of the Mayor:

"We are currently instituting a new program called Bio-Beat that will enhance our communities by generating more revenue for city projects. The concept is simple and demonstrates the kind of sustainable bio-diversity we all search for in these troubled economic times.

"Starting this summer, each Portlander's heart rate will be monitored continuously through a chip implant, and they will be charged for the number of times their heart beats. At first we were just going to charge everyone the same amount, but why should people sitting on their sofas in high density condos be charged as much as joggers using our city paths to exercise? And if an overweight person's heart beats rapidly when they're at rest, they still face a greater chance of using our roads to seek medical help. Plus, these people are often thirsty and that brings us back to the burdens on our water supply.

"The key word is equity. If Portlanders are going to pay for their heartbeats, we have to be fair and charge extra for those with more. It's simple: When their heart rate goes up, so does ours. This can be broken down into a monthly statement based on yearly estimates, and if someone's heart stops during a payment period, the remainder of the estimated bio-beat fee will be set aside for a scholarship in cardiology.

"I need all of you to get busy coming up with a good marketing slogan for this. My personal favorite so far is, 'Your heart may skip a beat, but you better not skip a payment.'

"Thank you,
"Mayor Sam Adams."

So there you go, Jack. I thought you should know.