One thing leads to another (Jack Bog's Blog)

Our list of high-class insults from the other day wound up on a bulletin board that also contains this collection of wise sayings:

- Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

- I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

- Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

- The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

- Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

- If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

- We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

- War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

- Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

- The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

- Evening news is where they begin with "Good evening," and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

- A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

- How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

- Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

- Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

- I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

- A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

- Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify", I put "DOCTOR".

- I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

- Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

- Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

- Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

- You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

- The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

- Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

- Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

- Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

- I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

- Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

- There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

- I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

- When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

- You're never too old to learn something stupid.

- To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

- Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

- Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

- A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

- Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Comments (11)

OnE of my favorites is attributed to Clarence Darrow: "I never killed a man, but I've read many an obituary with pleasure."

Posted by Allan L. | January 13, 2011 9:04 AM

My personal favorite is still Proverbs 26:11. Not only is it appropriate, but I love hearing the screams of disgust when people pull out their Bibles to look it up. (What's terrifying is that when I went through Confirmation as a good Catholic kid in the Eighties, the Bible we were all given in our class had that passage illustrated.)

Posted by Texas Triffid Ranch | January 13, 2011 10:23 AM

"Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who
are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it."

Mark Twain

Posted by cc | January 13, 2011 11:12 AM

The dog actually knows something!

Posted by Starbuck | January 13, 2011 11:29 AM

Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't after you.

I'd rather have a bottle in front of my then a frontal lobotomy.

Posted by John Fairplay | January 13, 2011 12:22 PM

"My mama taught me never to get into a pissing contest with a skunk" - A phrase I heard former City Commissioner Charles Jordan say more than once.

Posted by LucsAdvo | January 13, 2011 12:51 PM

Who says there are no good uses for a slinky?