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Monday, April 30, 2007

Survivor: Portland Bureaucracy

We had such great success with Survivor: Portland City Hall that you just knew there had to be a sequel. And here it is, folks: Survivor Portland City Hall: Bureaucracy Edition. We'll take 17 of the city's top agency heads and get rid of them one by one until only a single bureau manager survives. It will take several weeks, but we won't be daunted by the outcome of the proposed city charter changes on the civil service rules -- they don't apply here.

Let's not rush to judgment, though. Since none of our contestants were elected to their public offices, many of them won't be known to a lot of our readers. And so we can't start the voting today -- no, we'll postpone our first tribal council until you've had a chance to... [drum roll...] meet the contestants:

Office of Neighborhood Involvement Director Amalia Alarcon

Portland Development Commission Executive Director Bruce Warner

Chief Dave
Fire Chief Dave Sprando

Water Dave
Water Bureau Administrator David Shaff

Environmental Services Bureau Director Dean Marriott

Regional Arts & Culture Council Director Eloise Damrosch

Planning Bureau Director Gil Kelley

Interim Chief Administrative Officer Ken Rust

City Attorney Linda Meng

Emergency Communications Bureau Director Lisa Turley

Police Chief Rosie Sizer

Revenue Sue
Revenue Bureau Director Sue Klobertanz

Transportation Sue
Office of Transportation Director Sue Keil

Sustainable Susan
Office of Sustainable Development Director Susan Anderson

Housing and Community Development Bureau Director William White

Human Resources Director Yvonne Deckard

Parks Bureau Director Zari Santner

Be sure to check back on our show tomorrow, when the voting will begin. We'll vote one bureaucrat off the island each working day until there's only one left -- the Ultimate Survivor. He or she will take home the two grand prizes: the chance to buy a prime piece of real estate from the city for a dollar, plus tax credits that were originally meant to help poor people. Each contestant voted off the island will receive a consolation prize: an offer of a comfortable position with Homer Williams's development company in Los Angeles.

This time around, some lucky players may from time to time enjoy immunity from being terminated. Here is how it works: Any player who is mentioned by name in print or on the internet in a by-lined writing by Nigel Jaquiss, Phil Stanford, or Randy Gragg will have immunity on the next voting day after the story appears. Keep your eyes peeled for those important media references, and let us know if you see one; we'll announce any immunity before each vote.

UPDATE, 5/15, 2:41 a.m.: The following player was added to the competition on May 14:

Paul's bureau's web page is here.

Comments (27)

Great Idea Jack, but we need more information about these folks to do our votes justice. Are there profiles posted anywhere or is there a history of accomplishments or scams we can work with as well as the time of thier tenure, who appointed them.

You forgot the auditor, Mr Blackmer, who has been around during all of these boon-doggles. Yes, I know he is elected, but you missed hiom during the commisars Survivor Island.

I am trying to figure out what the heck he is auditing when he's not giving out rubber stamps.

Yeah, Zari!

Pardon my Non-understanding of this statement.."but we won't be daunted by the outcome of the proposed city charter changes on the civil service rules -- they don't apply here."
I thought civil service rules did not apply to managers and only to worker bees, in other word firing a worker was tough, managers was at will.

Yeah Bruce!

Yeah Transportation Sue!

Yeah Gil!

Yeah Eloise (and the entire bureaucracy which reports to her)!

My vote is to off Gil Kelley. Hell, I wouldn't let him on in the first place.

Potter's been trying to get Dean Marriot off the island since he was elected, but Dean won't go softly into that good night.

just to plant a seed for the next Survivor series:

Survivor: Portland Developers and Those Who Love Them.

This is just to good!. Now we can take some time and actually learn about the real movers and shake and bakers.

No contest.
Bruce Warner is, by far, running the biggest Program of Mass Dysfunction.
And with so little oversight not a single elected official knows where the money goes.
$100s of millions are routinely obscured in the sloppiest "bookkeeping" any shady operation has ever used. The City Club review revealed PDC books riddled with gaps and staff "estimates" substituting for the hard numbers hidden from official and public scrutiny. Wholesale deceit and gross incompetence makes this agency head Warner numero uno for removal.

Warner's PDC has become so brazen through years of zero accountability that they no longer exhibit ANY signs of fiduciary responsibility.

They have become the model for "we can do what ever we want" which other agencies mimmick.

Clean the PDC the rest will follow.

Alas, is there any provision in the voting for a unanimous vote for Zari Santner on the first round?

Or, perhaps the good folks at Parks & the benevolent folks at Warner Pacific have arranged for her to possess an invisible Immunity Idol (tsk tsk).

So where's the orange eBallot? Let's get started. If you wait too long politics on the island (read: ballot box stuffing by their handmaidens) will erupt.

Okay, so who's setting the odds here?

And I'll ask the obvious: why is the city attorney the only one whose face is not shown?

Not likely that an official or even unofficial photo doesn't exist so a little speculation would include (not necessarily in order of likelihood): a heretofore unknown ABA witness protection program; professional courtesy; friendship; a case of extreme comb-over; a babealicious who doesn't want to trade on her looks.

In the absence of facts The People must always speculate.

we need more information about these folks to do our votes justice.

I've linked to each of their bureaus' web sites, at least. Start digging.

You forgot the auditor, Mr Blackmer

I didn't. He's elected, and so he's not in this group. You're right, perhaps he should have been in the last group.

why is the city attorney the only one whose face is not shown?

I couldn't find her photo (even an itty-bitty one) on the internet.

Gosh so MANY likely candidates, do you think we should off two at a time for the first couple rounds? There are SOOOO many of them that I dislike it will be REALLY hard to choose. Granted, Bruce is a HUGE favorite, but I can hardly wait to send sustainable Sue and Eloise off to swim with the sharks. You sure we can't do two-at-a-time for the first couple rounds?

Relax, people. And be gentle. It's just a game.

Damn tough call.More difficult than choosing between Nadar Bush and Gore(I know, but hindsight is not very useful). I won't sleep tonight, GIL or ZARI or LINDA MENG, all useless unless you are a developer.

If this time we give timely notification and allow for public comment ... it's ZARI FIRST (out that is) and banished to Mt. Tabor.

Patience, patience, my woodsy little friend.

No matter what information you give me, I know how I'm voting.

I watched Zari do the "indignate abused public servant" routine at the Mt. Tabor mediation session, and I'm more convinced than ever that she is sociopathic. She needs to go in more than just a symbolic way.

You forgot Paul Scarlett at the Bureau of Development Review.

Greg C

Maybe we can add him in later, to spice things up.

" ... it's ZARI FIRST (out that is) and banished to Mt. Tabor." Better yet banish her to Mills End Park where she can sing to the Lepracauns.

Let's do "first out" on the basis of who is paid the most. By golly - that would be David Shaff, the Water Guy. And what, pray tell, makes him the highest paid since he had no experience at water resource management or engineering prior to being made the highest paid Portland bureaucrat? Simple - he is an absolutely loyal lapdog to Commisioner Randy. You don't really have to know what you're doing to become Portland's highest paid, you only have to become a crony.

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