Two days, two different people pretending to be me.

First there was the spoof blogger, hissing away and slashing out at me with his sharp talons. Anonymously, of course. This just a few hours after I banned a guy from this blog for calling me a "dumbass" in the comments. Gee, do you think there's any connection?

No matter. As I learned long ago from the corrupt politicians of Jersey City: "Every knock is a boost; just be sure they spell the name right."

Then today I get this from a prosecutor up in Washington State, asking me if I want restitution from the creep who stole my identity five years ago. Like I ever want any contact with that person again. Sure, let's get my name and addresss back on the thief's mind, for when he gets out of jail and needs some more crank. Fortunately, my out-of-pocket losses were negligible. And the time I wasted can't be valued in dollars.

But let it be a lesson to you, folks: Do not ever, ever send a bank check to someone you do not know. Ebay buyers -- PayPal or money order only! Trust me on this one. You might even think twice about all those checks you're sending out to reputable companies to pay your bills. You are one mail theft away from a story like mine.