Voice No. 1: Good afternoon, al Qaeda, death to America, my name is Muhammad, may I help you?

Voice No. 2: This is Colin Powell calling, for Osama bin Laden, please?

Voice No. 1: Sure, one moment.

OBL: Bin Laden here, death to America!

CP: Osama, this is Colin Powell, I...

OBL: Hallo? Hallo? I can't hear you. Hallo?

CP: Can you hear me now? I'm on Verizon.

OBL: Just barely. You are breaking up.

CP: Hey, look, Mr. bin Laden, this is Colin Powell. I'm calling to tell you that we know where you are, and we are coming to get you. Right now you are surrounded by 10,000 heavily armed troops, and there are several dozen fighter jets above you ready to back them up. Don Rumsfeld has his helmet on, and he's instructed the troops to kick ass and take names. It's over.

OBL: I will never surrender. You will have to kill me. Death to Dan Rather. Death to Connie Chung. Death to...

CP: Actually, sir, I'm calling to offer you a deal.

OBL: Deal?

CP: Yes. We don't want to kill you. We don't even need to break up al Qaeda. Actually, we just want to help you move to a new location.

DBL: And that location, what would it be?

CP: We need you to move to Bagdad.