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E-mail, Feeds, 'n' Stuff

Saturday, March 2, 2013

Portland City Hall to workers: Don't use deodorant

Our spies within the City of Portland's juvenile bureaucracy pass along this e-mail message, received yesterday:

From: BHR Communications
Sent: Friday, March 01, 2013 2:17 PM
To: Citywide All Employees Distribution List
Cc: City Elected Officials; City Elected Officials Exec's
Subject: HRAR 4.03 - Dress, Appearance, and Fragrance in the Workplace


Good afternoon.

In 2011, City Council adopted a very important policy. Human Resources Administrative Rule 4.03 was revised to include a section on workplace fragrance. Please remember to refrain from the use of scented personal products in the workplace, where the sole purpose is to produce fragrance, and to avoid the use of strongly-scented personal hygiene products such as powder, hairspray, and deodorant. Except in limited circumstances, the use of air freshener products should be avoided as well.

Thank you for your attention to this policy. Employees who are sensitive to perfumes and chemicals may suffer potentially serious health consequences from exposure to scented products.

Please do not "Reply All' if responding to this message.

A ban on shaving can't be too far off. And remember, toenail clippings go in the green bin.

Comments (16)

Tic Tacs are doomed.

Addendum: Employees who rarely visit their shower or bath for personal hygiene should increase the frequency of your bathing rituals. A station will be set up at entrances to assure that you pass the smell test before entering the building.

Portland City's new motto for their city vehicles.

"We stink, so must you"

We have a similar policy at my place of employment.

The last line caught my attention. The sender apparently don't know how to use the bcc field to stop "Reply All" from causing an email storm.

"...a very important policy..."?

At least we know now where their priorities are.

"Very important policy"....right,... more important than building sidewalks so 5 year old kids don't get run over and killed, or policing the police so they don't shoot unarmed crazy people, or trying to do something about the budget deficit, or any of the countless other dysfunctional things in which the city of Portland participates.'s for the children!

Portlandia's writer must giggle a little every trip to the bank.
Although I hear the dirt people are not their biggest fans.

Mandatory Grooming Rules- City of Portland
Issued: March 2, 2013
Effective: March 4, 2013

From: Nanny

Here are the new grooming rules:

1. Men can wear sweater vests.
2. "Mommy Jeans" will now be known as "non-fabric wasting pants."
2. The pairing of socks and Birkenstocks is
strongly encouraged.
3. Axe body spray caused the previous mayor
to make out with a teenager in a bathroom.
Therefore, and scents denoting masculinity
or feminity are prohibited.
4. The ban against wearing white after Labor Day has been extended to a year round ban.

By the way, Fancy Pants, you should not make light of the serious problems at City Hall.

As you know, whole bureaus (BPS, PBOT, BDS) have been acting erratically. There may be an environmental trigger for their lunacy. The city needs to look at all possible triggers- burritos, axe body spray, visits from lobbyists- and eliminate them.

If eliminating hygiene does not work, more drastic measures must be undertaken. In a worse case scenario, the mayor could order the removal of LSD dispensers from break rooms.

It doesn't say don't use deoderant, just to avoid using strongly scented ones.

This is one where I have to agree is a good policy. I don't think people who don't react to the cheap perfume carriers will ever understand. If I have to go down the detergent aisle, I hold my breath, go really quick, snag what I need off the shelf and speed out of the aisle. If I take my normal aisle leisurely pace, I'll have a headache before getting out the other end. Putting a box of dryer sheets in the car with me should be against the Geneva convention. Not only do I get a headache but start itching everywhere.

These things seem to run in families and luckily I'm not as bad as my father. He can break out in hives.

I said carriers above, been told it's not actually they scent causing problems but the carriers used.

It's all relative. I used to work in the same room with a woman who used Avon Hawaiian White Ginger -- liberally -- and eventually when others confronted her about it, she didn't think she'd overdone it at all. Such a person would not consider that their "personal scent" was problem and continue to use it. Like anything else in a workplace this is best handled on a case by case basis. If someone is offending with some kind of scent and co-worker hints have not worked, then the department manager should deal with the problem.

This used to be a a personal gripe for me in the workplace and the working response of lazy managers. They'd send out a department email warning that such and so forth shall not happen any more, suggesting that any or all department members were guilty of the offense, but wouldn't bother to go directly to the known culprits to straighten the problem out privately and on a personal level. What do companies pay managers for if not to handle this dirty work?

Sending out boilerplate admonishments yields about as much success as sending out a boilerplate solicitation for volunteers. You've got to approach people individually.

Come on, gummint employees, hit Reply All!

Hairy legs and armpits for the women and shaggy beards and dreadlocks for the men will be the order of the day.

This kind of crap is way too HR'ed for me. I have plenty of allergies, but that's why God made Zyrtec. I take that; I have no issues.

I am not in favor of telling my coworkers what fragrance they can use. This nanny state stuff is going way too far.

My midwestern work place also is starting to make these kind of noises.

I have allergies so bad I basically retired at 32 (I'm 34 now). It's horrible. My breathing is so bad I have passed out in the middle of grocery stores, vomited because of unexpected cigarette smoke and am basically dying.

It's horrible. But I still think these regulations are ridiculous. I realize I am very much in the minority.

So as not to be such a downer, since quitting wheat and dairy I've made an almost full recovery and am going back to work this month! Yay!

How 'Portlandia' is that? I can just see Fred Armison saying to his lady friend, "Well I was on disability for sandle wood allergies but now I've cut out gluten and am totally ready to apply to work at Starbucks." :-)

If you have problems with a co-worker, just come in early and spray some Drakkar Noir all over their cubicle. Make sure somebody shops them. Wait a few weeks. Repeat until they are terminated.

And that's how office ninnies (both public private sector) become passive-aggressive martinets: Enough rules to hang every man thrice a day.


As a lawyer/blogger, I get
to be a member of:

In Vino Veritas

Lange, Pinot Gris 2015
Kiona, Lemberger 2014
Willamette Valley, Pinot Gris 2015
Aix, Rosé de Provence 2016
Marchigüe, Cabernet 2013
Inazío Irruzola, Getariako Txakolina Rosé 2015
Maso Canali, Pinot Grigio 2015
Campo Viejo, Rioja Reserva 2011
Kirkland, Côtes de Provence Rosé 2016
Cantele, Salice Salentino Reserva 2013
Whispering Angel, Côtes de Provence Rosé 2013
Avissi, Prosecco
Cleto Charli, Lambrusco di Sorbara Secco, Vecchia Modena
Pique Poul, Rosé 2016
Edmunds St. John, Bone-Jolly Rosé 2016
Stoller, Pinot Noir Rosé 2016
Chehalem, Inox Chardonnay 2015
The Four Graces, Pinot Gris 2015
Gascón, Colosal Red 2013
Cardwell Hill, Pinot Gris 2015
L'Ecole No. 41, Merlot 2013
Della Terra, Anonymus
Willamette Valley, Dijon Clone Chardonnay 2013
Wraith, Cabernet, Eidolon Estate 2012
Januik, Red 2015
Tomassi, Valpolicella, Rafaél, 2014
Sharecropper's Pinot Noir 2013
Helix, Pomatia Red Blend 2013
La Espera, Cabernet 2011
Campo Viejo, Rioja Reserva 2011
Villa Antinori, Toscana 2013
Locations, Spanish Red Wine
Locations, Argentinian Red Wine
La Antigua Clásico, Rioja 2011
Shatter, Grenache, Maury 2012
Argyle, Vintage Brut 2011
Abacela, Vintner's Blend #16 Abacela, Fiesta Tempranillo 2014
Benton Hill, Pinot Gris 2015
Primarius, Pinot Gris 2015
Januik, Merlot 2013
Napa Cellars, Cabernet 2013
J. Bookwalter, Protagonist 2012
LAN, Rioja Edicion Limitada 2011
Beaulieu, Cabernet, Rutherford 2009
Denada Cellars, Cabernet, Maipo Valley 2014
Marchigüe, Cabernet, Colchagua Valley 2013
Oberon, Cabernet 2014
Hedges, Red Mountain 2012
Balboa, Rose of Grenache 2015
Ontañón, Rioja Reserva 2015
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G3, Cabernet 2013
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Layer Cake, Shiraz 2013
Desert Wind, Ruah 2011
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Dunham, Trautina 2012
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Del Ri, Claret 2012
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Benziger, Cabernet, Sonoma 2012
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The Occasional Book

Marc Maron - Waiting for the Punch
Phil Stanford - Rose City Vice
Kenneth R. Feinberg - What is Life Worth?
Kent Haruf - Our Souls at Night
Peter Carey - True History of the Kelly Gang
Suzanne Collins - The Hunger Games
Amy Stewart - Girl Waits With Gun
Philip Roth - The Plot Against America
Norm Macdonald - Based on a True Story
Christopher Buckley - Boomsday
Ryan Holiday - The Obstacle is the Way
Ruth Sepetys - Between Shades of Gray
Richard Adams - Watership Down
Claire Vaye Watkins - Gold Fame Citrus
Markus Zusak - I am the Messenger
Anthony Doerr - All the Light We Cannot See
James Joyce - Dubliners
Cheryl Strayed - Torch
William Golding - Lord of the Flies
Saul Bellow - Mister Sammler's Planet
Phil Stanford - White House Call Girl
John Kaplan & Jon R. Waltz - The Trial of Jack Ruby
Kent Haruf - Eventide
David Halberstam - Summer of '49
Norman Mailer - The Naked and the Dead
Maria Dermoȗt - The Ten Thousand Things
William Faulkner - As I Lay Dying
Markus Zusak - The Book Thief
Christopher Buckley - Thank You for Smoking
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Joseph Conrad - Heart of Darkness
Bill Bryson - A Short History of Nearly Everything
Cheryl Strayed - Tiny Beautiful Things
Sara Varon - Bake Sale
Stephen King - 11/22/63
Paul Goldstein - Errors and Omissions
Mark Twain - A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court
Steve Martin - Born Standing Up: A Comic's Life
Beverly Cleary - A Girl from Yamhill, a Memoir
Kent Haruf - Plainsong
Hope Larson - A Wrinkle in Time, the Graphic Novel
Rudyard Kipling - Kim
Peter Ames Carlin - Bruce
Fran Cannon Slayton - When the Whistle Blows
Neil Young - Waging Heavy Peace
Mark Bego - Aretha Franklin, the Queen of Soul (2012 ed.)
Jenny Lawson - Let's Pretend This Never Happened
J.D. Salinger - Franny and Zooey
Charles Dickens - A Christmas Carol
Timothy Egan - The Big Burn
Deborah Eisenberg - Transactions in a Foreign Currency
Kurt Vonnegut Jr. - Slaughterhouse Five
Kathryn Lance - Pandora's Genes
Cheryl Strayed - Wild
Fyodor Dostoyevsky - The Brothers Karamazov
Jack London - The House of Pride, and Other Tales of Hawaii
Jack Walker - The Extraordinary Rendition of Vincent Dellamaria
Colum McCann - Let the Great World Spin
Niccolò Machiavelli - The Prince
Harper Lee - To Kill a Mockingbird
Emma McLaughlin & Nicola Kraus - The Nanny Diaries
Brian Selznick - The Invention of Hugo Cabret
Sharon Creech - Walk Two Moons
Keith Richards - Life
F. Sionil Jose - Dusk
Natalie Babbitt - Tuck Everlasting
Justin Halpern - S#*t My Dad Says
Mark Herrmann - The Curmudgeon's Guide to Practicing Law
Barry Glassner - The Gospel of Food
Phil Stanford - The Peyton-Allan Files
Jesse Katz - The Opposite Field
Evelyn Waugh - Brideshead Revisited
J.K. Rowling - Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone
David Sedaris - Holidays on Ice
Donald Miller - A Million Miles in a Thousand Years
Mitch Albom - Have a Little Faith
C.S. Lewis - The Magician's Nephew
F. Scott Fitzgerald - The Great Gatsby
William Shakespeare - A Midsummer Night's Dream
Ivan Doig - Bucking the Sun
Penda Diakité - I Lost My Tooth in Africa
Grace Lin - The Year of the Rat
Oscar Hijuelos - Mr. Ives' Christmas
Madeline L'Engle - A Wrinkle in Time
Steven Hart - The Last Three Miles
David Sedaris - Me Talk Pretty One Day
Karen Armstrong - The Spiral Staircase
Charles Larson - The Portland Murders
Adrian Wojnarowski - The Miracle of St. Anthony
William H. Colby - Long Goodbye
Steven D. Stark - Meet the Beatles
Phil Stanford - Portland Confidential
Rick Moody - Garden State
Jonathan Schwartz - All in Good Time
David Sedaris - Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim
Anthony Holden - Big Deal
Robert J. Spitzer - The Spirit of Leadership
James McManus - Positively Fifth Street
Jeff Noon - Vurt

Road Work

Miles run year to date: 5
At this date last year: 3
Total run in 2017: 113
In 2016: 155
In 2015: 271
In 2014: 401
In 2013: 257
In 2012: 129
In 2011: 113
In 2010: 125
In 2009: 67
In 2008: 28
In 2007: 113
In 2006: 100
In 2005: 149
In 2004: 204
In 2003: 269

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