Wake up! Get ready for another devastating storm! (Jack Bog's Blog)

It's never in a blogger's best interests to turn readers away, but if you're in the Portland area, you really need to step away from your computer monitor right now, and start preparing for the humongo blizzard that is about to hit our area.

Here's a preparedness checklist:

1. Have plenty of bottled water on hand. Once the first snowflake appears, remember to drink only bottled water. Experts recommend having 10 gallons of water on hand, in plastic bottles, for each member of your household, before the snow starts.

2. Bring all temperature-sensitive plants indoors. Today would be a good time to dig up your yard and transplant it into Home Depot buckets, which you should keep on the top floor of your home until the Arctic blast has passed. Plant movement permits are available for $25 from Portland City Hall. As a transition rule, parsley less than one inch tall does not require a permit, this year only.

3. Take special care of your pets. To help ward off the cold, most veterinarians advise that you feed dogs and cats only handmade sausages until temperatures have safely thawed out. Veal is best.

4. Keep sidewalks clear of dangerous ice. In Portland, you're responsible if anyone slips and injures themselves on the right of way in front of your property, and so keep the sidewalks clear and dry. Use of rock salt, sand, and other contaminants is forbidden, however, and so city transportation officials advise a proactive, "green" approach. Walking along the sidewalk waving a broom during a snowstorm not only discourages accumulation, but also promotes good health and ensures a sustainable future.

5. Avoid unnecessary driving. Common sense should tell you that once there is an inch of snow on the ground, it is not safe to operate a motor vehicle. At that point, be smart and ride a bicycle.

6. Do not flush the toilet until the storm threat has been officially declared over. If you must flush, be sure to add baking soda.

7. Operate your microwave oven only on its highest setting. If foods become too hot, place them outside to cool off.

8. If you lose power, rinse your toothbrush in vodka.

9. Stay tuned to bojack.org Storm Center 9000.2 around the clock for the latest weather updates. We are standing by with the same award-winning coverage we have provided year after year. But we sure do wish we had a budget to hire this guy as our field reporter:

Comments (26)

Lay in the firewood. Butter up the hot rum. Stock on cocoa. Get the sled dogs ready.

Oh yeah, it's been snowing at my house for an hour or so. But then I' a few hundred feet below Sylvan.

Posted by LucsAdvo | February 23, 2011 6:33 AM

I am buying extra tv sets so that I can watch all the storm teams simultaneously. They are my only connection to the outside world.

Posted by ray | February 23, 2011 7:04 AM

RE Item 4 -

Sidewalks?

What are sidewalks?

Can those of us in residential SW and in outer SE have sidewalks?

Posted by Nonny Mouse | February 23, 2011 7:07 AM

Winter wonderland here @ 1000'.

1"+ and 32 even, still snowing lightly. radar shows more on the way. Later, I'll walk down to the corner and watch idiots turn down Germantown - never to be seen again.

No sidewalks? Hell, we don't even have bike lanes...

Posted by cc | February 23, 2011 8:38 AM

cc-

We have bike lanes, far far far too many bike lanes, with more coming. I can maybe arrange to ship you some of ours...

Posted by Nonny Mouse | February 23, 2011 8:42 AM

Hahaha!
PORTLANDIA IS US!
Stuck in the past, and going backwards!

Posted by al m | February 23, 2011 8:50 AM

I can maybe arrange to ship you some of ours...

Only if you ship them by cargo trike...

Posted by cc | February 23, 2011 8:56 AM

Don't forget the studded bike tires from REI!

Posted by Andrew | February 23, 2011 9:19 AM

Sam is telling us to take a warm cuddly blanket and a picnic basket if we venture out in this expected storm. These items might just help keep you Disney-like-safe until Sam's crews can get to you and save you. These I say are some of Sam's finest hours. It kind of takes our minds off cityhall's juvenille spending habits.

Regarding the latter, it kind of goes like this:
No mom and dad you can't have your water and sewer department monies back we lifted in the dark of night from your wallets. You are cracked. We need to spend your money on candy for our friends like bobby the bicyclist who wants to hear music coming from the pavement when he rides. We are going to spend it on our big brother Randy who likes building monumental outdoor restrooms. We also need it for the lunch money other bad bully boys demand or else you don't want to know what happens.

Yes let's keep close to our radios and TVs for the latest snow news.

Posted by Bob Clark | February 23, 2011 9:21 AM

The good news is that Portland's perpetual rainfall is taking a break for a few days.

This is the rare opportunity for the must-do maintenance task to get the umbrella washed and waxed.

Posted by Tenskwatawa | February 23, 2011 9:28 AM

Tenksey? Is that really you?

Shortest. Post. Evarrrrrrrrrr!

Posted by Jennifer | February 23, 2011 10:08 AM

A more interesting storm, as described by AP reporter Ryan Foley, is unfolding in WI:
"MADISON, Wis. – A prank caller pretending to be billionaire conservative businessman David Koch was able to have a lengthy conversation with Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker about his strategy to cripple public employee unions, the governor's office confirmed Wednesday."
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20110223/ap_on_re_us/us_wisconsin_budget_unions

Posted by Gardiner Menefree | February 23, 2011 10:20 AM

Really funny list and video,heh heh, thanks-

Posted by Humongous | February 23, 2011 10:24 AM

Good comedy is better with a good cocktail. I recommend one or two, before watching the mayors press conference yesterday. At the 6:45 mark, you get to meet Leann Ferguson of the bicycle safety alliance, who in fact, made me cry.
http://www.kptv.com/local-video/index.html?grabnetworks_video_id=4551654

Posted by Bad Brad | February 23, 2011 10:57 AM

A robo-wake-up-call from PPS at 6:15 this morning: All schools will be opening at [drumroll, please] the regular times!
Really. You can not make this up.
Okay, they did add that all buses would be on snow-routes. All day. For all that....snow?

Posted by Doris | February 23, 2011 10:59 AM

Well, it's 1:15PM at 700 feet and the ice and snow are falling. I better go out and get the dog poo off the front yard so the kids can make snowmen (snowpeople for the PC?) that are mostly white.

Posted by PDXLifer | February 23, 2011 1:16 PM

These snow alerts crack me up, Jack. Love the blinking ACTIVATED warning sign. Keep 'em coming.

Posted by dm | February 23, 2011 1:23 PM

By the way, did anyone here our Mayor's latest public address from City Hall (yesterday?) about THE SNOW! Had a twit of a gal from BTA on there dithering about riding your bike (horrors!) in the snow. It was unintentionally hilarious. If anyone can find the soundbite, please link.

Posted by dm | February 23, 2011 1:26 PM

The video is on my comment at 10:57 above.

Posted by Bad Brad | February 23, 2011 1:34 PM

8. If you lose power, rinse your toothbrush in vodka.

10. If you don't lose power, soak your toothbrush in Bourbon.

Brad?

Posted by cc | February 23, 2011 2:00 PM

Loved the kptv 9+ minutes of blather... 4 city employees plus Sam telling us what to do... Sam reminding us that "speed is the critical factor in being safe"....this must be the answer to what self medicating occurs prior to news conferences.

As to his comments about bringing a warm blanket this must explain his truck accident at Car Toys... blankie slipped down and impeded the gas and brake pedals.

Posted by teresa | February 23, 2011 2:09 PM

Ugh. That press conference was brutal. Downright embarrassing. Makes me want to move far away from here.

Posted by dg | February 23, 2011 2:24 PM

Sam's press conference really shows his AD, in the medical profession we call it "Affected Disorder". Notice how he lowers his voice, says a few phrases then suddenly hesitates, then emphasizes a word or short phrase, and not that one would expect? Creepy. A pure act, of his disorder.

Posted by naw | February 23, 2011 7:57 PM

Looking out the window - still waiting.

Posted by watching for our children | February 23, 2011 8:45 PM

Jack,
If the storm should really come and we just can't get outside, sure enjoyed that cyber holiday party, might we gather to do a storm party?

Posted by clinamen | February 23, 2011 11:25 PM

Wear your tie! Wear your tie!

Posted by Starbuck | February 23, 2011 11:46 PM

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Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Wake up! Get ready for another devastating storm!

Comments (26)

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