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Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Top 10 Things Neil Might Have Said to Nigel

Buried in yesterday's Trib was a provocative tidbit. The day after he won the Pulitzer Prize for outing former Oregon Gov. Neil Goldschmidt for statutory rape, Willamette Week reporter Nigel Jaquiss was summoned by a phone call from The Neilster Himself to an impromptu meeting in the latter's car outside the Double Dub offices. According to the Trib, Jaquiss "confirms the encounter ... but will not disclose the nature of their discussion."

Readers of the blogosphere know that will never do. And so here now are the --

Top 10 Things That Neil Might Have Said to Nigel the Day After He Won the Pulitzer Prize

10. "Does that trophy come with any cash? 'Cause I can cut you in on some sweet deals."

9. "How could you do this to me, my illegitimate son?"

8. "My lawyers say you owe me a couple million for the story line."

7. "After that party last night, Bernie Giusto thinks you need an intervention."

6. "Do you have Ted's cell number? He changed it and he won't pick up on his land line."

5. "I've got an idea for a column: I'll be 'Night Cabbie.'"

4. "In the movie, I want to be played by Brian Dennehy."

3. "I know who put the hit on Michael Francke. It was Mildred Schwab."

2. "I can get you a much better gig at The Oregonian."

And the No. 1 Thing That Neil Might Have Said to Nigel the Day After He Won the Pulitzer Prize:

1. "Quit while you're ahead, punk."

Comments (7)

You forgot one - "BTW, Nigel, do you still have the 14-year old's phone?"

Scene I'd like to see in the made for TV movie:

Fade in.... Neil and unidentified female in bed, waking up in morning. Neil yawns, stretches.

Female: "Neil, the Willamette Week wrote that you are a pedophile. Is that true?"

Neil: "Pedophile? That's a pretty big word for a 12 year old."

Nigel- "On the upside, Neil, I know how you can save a ton of money on your car insurance."

Nigel- "Look at the bright side, Neil, at least you got your brother a job he can never be fired from."

"My friends and I are still running things you petty fool"

How would Vladimir Nabokov have written the story? Would Vladimir have investigated the quote from the Eugene Register Guard of a neighborhood schoolmate: "She told me Neil picked up where her deceased grandfather left off."

"I only did it because Norma Paulus was such a hot babe and I couldn't have her."

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