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This page contains a single entry from the blog posted on July 25, 2012 10:36 PM. The previous post in this blog was One out of three Fukushima kids has a thyroid cyst. The next post in this blog is Keeps on movin'. Many more can be found on the main index page or by looking through the archives.



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Wednesday, July 25, 2012

New Blazers head coach: Rasheed Wallace

Sources within the Portland Trail Blazers organization report that after an extensive national search, team owner Paul Allen has decided to name retired forward Rasheed Wallace as the team's next head coach, effective immediately.

According to officials at the team's Seattle headquarters, the decision to bring on the controversial Wallace, who as a player held the league's career record for technical fouls, came as Allen and his advisors realized that the team is headed for another lackluster season on the court. "The idea is to create as much of a spectacle as possible about anything other than wins and losses," the source said. "There's also the nostalgia factor, since the Blazers haven't been a contender since 'Sheed left in '04."

The team also hopes to impress on fans that Wallace once threatened to punch out the lights of then-NBA referee Tim Donaghy, who has since been disgraced in a gambling scandal. "Fists don't lie," a team insider noted. The incident took place in the Rose Garden parking garage following a Blazer loss.

Wallace, long unable to unload a mansion he owns in Portland's Dunthorpe neighborhood, has reportedly spent most of his career earnings and needs a steady job. "At least he's got the crib in Dunthorpe to fall back on," said one Blazer front-office manager, who refused to be quoted for the record. "It's got a pool table, which is important to him."

In their recent quest for a head coach, the Blazers have called on Jerry Sloan, Mike D'Antoni, Phil Jackson, and many other quality coaches, but none have shown any interest in working for Allen. In contrast, the sources said, Wallace and new Blazers general manager Neil Olshey immediately hit it off in preliminary discussions. "Both sides interviewed hard," said one long-time Blazer official.

The reaction from local sports commentators has been guarded. Dwight Jaynes of Talkin' Ball was not available to file a report, as he is recovering from a hand injury following an accident involving an Ichiro voodoo doll. Blazer TV commentator Mike Barrett responded to a reporter's inquiry with a long list of mind-numbing statistics devoid of any content. "The head coaching search is on a 10 to 2 run," was the last thing heard before he and the reporter both dozed off. Portland sports pundit John Canzano said that he would produce a comprehensive look at the Wallace hiring as soon as he finishes detailing Merritt Paulson's BMW.

Comments (19)

Nice mugshot, Sheed.

The return of the JailBlazers.

Honestly, I'm not sure why you take such pleasure in bashing the Blazers every chance you get, while at the same time accepting tickets in the preferred sections and posting photos on your blog of the action on the court. Some people actually pay for those seats and enjoy the game without having to resort to rancor.

I haven't been to a Blazer gamer in a long time. And I haven't really missed it. The Blazers are just boring. And Paul Allen is a bad owner.

If my friends give me free tickets, I go. But most of them have given up, too. Life's too short to watch mediocre sports.

Fair enough. Maybe (hopefully) things will improve.

I don't enjoy watching the Blazers fail year after year. It's frustrating. Maybe with the clean slate they have now, they can build their way back to something. But given all the bad choices Allen has made all these years, it's hard to be anything but cynical.

In the background, you have the unspeakable, league-wide greed of the owners and the players, which doesn't help foster much goodwill. That last "season" was a pretty lame stunt. Then there are the cheating refs, who get particularly active during the playoffs... it's hard to get excited.

I like Kevin Durant, who seems like a nice young man as well as a monster talent. But he's just one more giant reminder of the Blazers and their snake-bit ways.

I may be getting my "Rasheed Wallace outrageous conduct incidents" mixed up but Jack, I though Sheed hassled the ref after a game the Blazers had WON!

As a Sheed supporter, I think his many public comments were probably taken out context........Well, it seems to work for other public figures.

Portland sports pundit John Canzano said that he would produce a comprehensive look at the Wallace hiring as soon as he finishes detailing Merritt Paulson's BMW.

Jack, I don't think you're giving Canzano enough credit. It's very hard to wax someone's car while simultaneously kissing that same someone's ass.

And FWIW, Paulson doesn't normally drive his BMW. He only drives the Beemer when the Bentley is in the shop.

"Now Biff...err...Canzano... I said TWO coats of wax..."

Wax on....Wax off...
sorry, couldn't resist!

Sheed said back in the day that he would never work for another 'slave owner' ever again. This was when he was making over 12 million a year with the blazers and doing and getting away with whatever he wanted while on the team....

Remember with Rasheed, no matter what both teams played well.

I miss the guy and ball don't lie.

You miss the guy? I know we're kidding around here, and some of the incidents didn't bother me that much, but I thought he was a classless jerk, and here's the incident that was not funny at all:

I thought when he threw a towel at Sabonis it was the most embarrassing thing ever to happen at a Blazer game between the players.

Remember the expression on the dignified Sabonis's face? "I need a lot of things in life, but I don't need this."

I'd rather overpay a quality person like Nic Batum than put up with Sheed. Let me bring up two currently-23-year-old athletes and you tell me who you'd rather see get millions: Nic Batum or the Dallas Cowboys Dez Bryant?

Sure, last season sucked but you can't lose Brandon and never really get Greg Oden, and except not to take a major dip.

I believe we're through it now. If they choose the right coach, things could be entertaining again. That's all I ask - to be entertained. I mean what else are we going to watch on a cold rainy winter's night in Portland, Oregon?

Have hope - the rookies are great.

Go Blazers.

Two coats and I am sure the Princess has a black Range Rover that needs a couple coats too!

And Paul Allen is a bad owner

Despite all the hullabaloo surrounding it, the fact is having "the richest owner in pro sports" isn't worth squat when the owner is a total self-absorbed geek.

Sheed was never the model citizen (who is?).

But let's face it, in this all white town it is pretty tough to be black. The only black athletes we like are ones that move to Lake Oswego and act white.

As for the coaching search - it kind of looks like they are going through the motions to keep Kaleb and pretend he was the best candidate.

And yes, Paul Allen is his own worst enemy.

Get your facts straight, Paulson drives a black Audi A5: .

I think the Blazers should hire that Scottish fellow the timbers dumped.

GO TIMBERS!!!! :-)

Oh man. I see this guy has the NBA record for technical fouls. Jesus.


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Miles run year to date: 119
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