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Friday, April 6, 2012

Meet the staff

Tomorrow's the start of the voting in our latest round of the WW Mayoral Madness tournament, and as a public service, we're giving the voting public a chance to see the cabinet that we'd put together if we win. Now, keep in mind that we're not counting our chickens (or soy-substitute chickens) before they hatch -- we haven't extended any formal invitations to these prospective staffers -- but here's an idea of the kind of folks we would seek to bring to the party. They're a bit different from the current crop of Portland mayoral staffers:

Chief of staff:

Bill McDonald
Arts and culture director:

Esperanza Spalding

Public safety liaison:

Phil Stanford

Communications director:

Amy Faust

Parks and recreation director:

Dwight Jaynes

Environmental services director:

Who else?

Personal bodyguard:

Chris Snethen (file photo)

Our leadership team would be unsurpassed. Vote for Bojack, early and often, tomorrow through Monday!

Comments (24)

Shouldn't you be taking time to mend fences with supporters of previously vanquished opponents? For example, the Pachyderm's 50th birthday arrives on the 14th; perhaps a succulent carrot cake should be forwarded his way by one of your staff members. And, you really do not want denigratory comments on a local radio station during the current, challenging campaign.

I insist on being part of the covert staff.

As Chief of Staff, I could be a target for bribes and payoffs, so I want to take this opportunity to assure the voters that I am now officially open for business.

Just put the money in an envelope and leave it with the receptionist at City Hall. Thanks.

Oh, somebody asked if tens were okay or if I preferred large bills, so I want to make this very clear: In my world, tens are large bills.

Thanks for your support.

The Rice-Hutton race has over 5,500 votes in play. What are we going to do? I don't even know that many dead people!

Vote early and often for those over whom Bojack can be victorious.
Our future city pensions, and kick-backs depend on it!
Can I assist Stenchy?...after all I am semi literate, and I have opposing thumbs.
Bill McDonald! be aggressive...ask for 20s!

Can't wait to join the team!

I don't know what Jack's slogan will be but I'm going to rework a line from "Jaws" for those of you planning to bribe me:
"We're going to need a bigger envelope."

Great picks...go Butter Bean.

I think Chris Snethen's file photo is really a bald headed Chris Smith. Jack, how could you do this subterfuge? I thought you were above politics.

Jack, honored as I am even to be mentioned as a possible member of your administration, may I humbly suggest that you also give me oversight of Water, Transportation, and the PDC, because that's obviously where the money's at. I mean, let's get real. Public Safety liason? Seeing as how we're still in the planning stages here, maybe you could give that to McDonald.

That is a solid staff. I might actually vote you for real mayor of Portland with that staff.

Man , I am with Justin , take that crew to the real mayor's race , storm the castle !

I've already taken in some serious cash for a new proposal, but don't worry. We're going to be studying it for the next 18 months with a special 27-person committee. The idea is a gold mine though. Better than the train to Milwaukie.

Would you feel more enthusiastic about the public safety job, if my people arranged a piece of the action for the fine work you've been doing?

If not, I'm willing to listen to any suggestions especially if the offer is reasonable. The last thing Jack needs now is a power struggle on his team.

Let me be blunt here: Do you see that guitar in the picture? It's a knockoff of a Les Paul and I'm not crazy about the sunburst finish.

Maybe, if that were to mysteriously turn into a vintage Les Paul with a black finish and gold trim, I could begin to see you playing a bigger role in Portland's future. What do you say?

At the same time - as I'm sure you'll understand - I don't want to aggravate any of our business partners who've already paid up.

So let me put it to you this way, on a hypothetical basis: How would you feel about a condo tower on top of Mt. Tabor?

Anyone who would have Bill McDonald as Chief of Staff gets my vote!

Public Transit Model

(Source: Wikipedia 'Further')

Now I got a sense of the dirty politics going on in this election and, because of such behavior, I can tell you who the LOSER is.

Your opponentchick, Jack, about an hour ago fell for the Free Love lies, (worth what she paid for it), from LarsLarson and his fizzbang micromoan. She was his 'get' today in his last local hour, (he called her) and she got to be on the RADIO! The thrill in her voice was visceral, and viscous.

LarsLarson stalled 15 whole minutes to start with, puffing his loaf of whitenoise, pretense of 'interview' about (and abetting) rightwing 'judges' dictating Congresstitutional law, because the lady was a lawyer he was talkmocking to, although I didn't actually hear her take a position on a single one of the barbarous attackuestions that LarsLarson spieled of Obama arrogancy snubbing 'justices' and by extension the Law and by extension lawyers and by extension you, lady lawyer, being 'interviewed' -- dontchaHATEObama? I didn't catch her name or her 'get'guest angle, nor did I care except it(whitenoise) sounded odd that after every baritone run-on protagonistic verse, the off-stage alto chorus response laughed, out LOUD, a full-jolly lady unabashedly cackling, convulsing really, as if in the presence of idiotic slapstick, at every metaphorically long orated line LarsLarson strung out there ... to get to the bottom of the hour, and hold her over after the break, he's up against the clock unexpectedly dontchaknow. Normally his guests don't laugh heartly at his 'interview'.

When we come back there's LarsLarson admitting "promised you (lady) to tell about this Willamette Week mayor [sic] vote [sic]." So I listen. It turns out she's your opponentchick lady lawyer, Jack! 'Interviewed'! and endorsed! on the LarsLarsRadioPersonalityoftheYearLarsonLarson! programming, telling 'everyone' to 'get on' and vote for her (I think maybe her name was Cindy) this Saturday, Sunday and Monday. LarsSlursem shut up and she (was) 'got' to say you were a good tax lawyer, Jack, but claimed she had more humor, (you could hear her authentic laughing at WillyWk superciliousness), and she said her campaign slogan is Taking Care of Potholes, but your slogan is probably Taking Care of Potheads; I tried to speed-dial the studio and ask which holes she took care of her pot in, but my cell battery was uncharged.

Whatever. LarsLarson listening loons can't even 'get' the internet, nevermind WWwebsite, nevermind voting. Cindy Opponentchick spent her entire Free Speech advertising to vigilante imbeciles; (they're the ones you see in the store buying Alpenrose dairy products, another advertiser) -- she's lost.

Furthermore LarsLarson announced his favor on her -- blackmarked loser now. Instead of "Jack Bodan-, uh, Bogdanski ... about the most indiosyncratic lawyer editorial-'we' have ever had the acquaintance of." I think he was trying to say, Jack, you've got a moral sense. And he doesn't.

So there's my report from the field, at the scene of public airwaves, fact-checking and sound biting-back the mockshock talktrippers. Filling into any minute hole of LarsSlursem programming is consorting in Dirty Politics, transacting bizness in the Free Blackmarket, and so hapless Cindy 'got' swept away by a Radio Personality of the Year ... about 1984 I'd say.

Sheesh, bojack, you have more visitors per day than LarsSlursem gets listeners in a week. He pleads for someone, anyone, to call in, and the same four do each day. He has three Likes and zero Follows in facebook. Most time he can 'get' no guest, ("because," he says, "they haven't got the guts to match his brain banter" or bantum), and he hangs endless hours by his tongue twisting slowly solo-y in the wind. And for a month now since all hatetalk radio commercials were cancelled, he doesn't even have an ad-buy spot time clock to tongue twist up against and get a break. Lars has moderated these days from talking hate to genuflecting he is of a different opinion and how many different opinions he is of himself in between bland public service announcements occupying media.

Tanned, heady, and fested: You're a shoo-in Jack.

I think Tensky is auditioning for press secretary.

I really want the final two to be Timothy Hutton and Jack. Talk about some creative campaigning!

You need some theme Music!


That's Butter Bean, a.k.a. Eric Esch! He's been cage fighting in recent years. He also knocked out Johnny Knoxville inside the Hippo Hardware in the first Jackass Movie. So he's like, local and hip!

Go Bean!


Lars invited me to speak on his show about alimony reform. Although I am not a fan of his politics or his adversarial style, I was eager to get on the airwaves and get our message out. Then his friend/advertiser and Jack's opponent got involved. Needless to say, my invitation was rescinded. This is her style in litigation too: pull dirty tricks and cause mayhem but avoid going to court to actually argue a case.

Poor Jody, afraid of little old me. And Jack. For a woman with such an imposing presence, you wouldn't think she would be so insecure.

And Lars, shame on you. You agreed with me on alimony reform. I think you understood the comparison to Marxism. But you caved. I thought you were motivated by your convictions, not advertisers.

Bean no longer the super heavyweight champ but is contending for the middleweight title

You know, Jack, you're going to need to hire an ambassador to foreign lands to push Portland attitudes and cultures. I'll just also note that it doesn't get much more foreign to Portland than Texas. Best of all, I work cheap.

Re: "I'll just also note that it doesn't get much more foreign to Portland than Texas."


You don't get down to Austin much, do you?

Some quite rightfully opine that Portland is foreign to most of OR. Diplomatic gambits from the Queen City of the Lower Willamette to the Eastern Provinces of the state have disappeared, leaving no trace. Recent regimes have abandoned such overtures, sending only trash.

Gardiner, most of us try our best to cover our eyes in shame at what Austin has become. The place actually was pretty interesting and unique back in the Seventies, back when Gilbert Shelton was basing his "Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers" comics on three guys he knew in town. Now, though, it's a mix of the worst Portland, San Jose, and Columbia, South Carolina have to offer, with new stupidities coming in as South by Southwest departs and the hipsters suddenly realize that they don't really have to go home. (I'm not exaggerating in the slightest when I say that I'd sooner move to Houston than so much as befoul an Austin gas station toilet.)

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