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Friday, September 30, 2011

Flushed with excitement

The City of Portland propaganda machine never rests. Yesterday the mailman brought this fancy newsletter:

The big news: The Big Pipe project is almost finished!

Yeah, whoopee. Now comes the fun part -- paying for it. At our last count, the city was about $1,700,000,000 in debt over the sewer. For you math-challenged types, that's $1.7 billion. With a "b." Or about $2,800 for every man, woman, and child who lives in the city.

Maybe they ought to stop printing the newsletter and put the money toward the debt. Just a thought.

Oh, and we are not making this up -- guess what else! Just guess...


Water bill is here
We can eat cat food this month
And flush less often

The Big Pipe is done
Some contractor guys got rich
Wall Street guys did too

Sewer took my dough
Nothing left for Timbers game
With Legend Saltzman

Play along, peeps -- it's far less painful than contemplating reality.

Comments (37)

Water Bureau Waste
Randy's corp friends make haste
Projects siphon cash

Bread and circuses
It's okay because we have
bread and circuses

Pipe takes water where
Money and power flourish:
Saltzman's psychosis.

Dreams of clean river
No, water bill made me faint
And I still must pay

God this pisses you off - They don't have money for road/bridge repairs, yet we have people like the ex-blogmistress for PWB and poetry contests. I'd take this as symptomatic of too many non-productive types looking for work to appear busy.

What's even more infuriating is that poo poo still goes into the River when there is a heavy rain. And you're paying for it with the highest sewer rates in the US!

Pipe runs away with
Our retirement savings
The future looks damp

Two entries per household. How generous!

A billion is big
But the pipe is bigger still
Now pay forever

I'd like to see the city, or really any public organization, publish the complete cost of each newsletter or flier in the small print on the bottom.

Not against these groups reaching out to let us know what is going on, but I think folks might start scaling back on the flourishes if they had to include the price of the color, graphic designers, glossy paper, PR people, etc.

The giant poop shoots
Wasted away the money
Be still objections

I'm sure you can request the cost documents via a small fee..... like $10,000! Ha ha ha ha.

Celebrate Portland!
Of your money and waste,
we will clean you out.

oops, I forgot "all" in the second line

River is renewed
Sewer contractors got rich
Everyone else screwed

Mellow the yellow
And brown stays around, until
Wallet green renews

Big-pipe Saltzman has fallen behind, though, as his mailing is only printed on 70% post consumer waste. It is, however, elemental chlorine-free, so you know he's trying (the slop-bucket mailing is much larger, printed on 100% post consumer waste and produced with 100% certified renewable energy).

Did you know that the big pipe projects have each been awarded an award? Really! Trenchless Technology Magazine's named part of the east side pipe New Installation Project of the Year! And Tunnel Business Magazine named the west side pipe one of the decade's top tunnel projects. Folks, these are the kinds of things that do your mother proud.

But there's more to come: now that the tunnel projects are winding down, they'll be able to devote more ratepayer resources to green streets and eco-roofs. Portland has more than 950 green street facilities, and the number continues to grow every year. But wait - there's more! The city offers incentives to property "owners" to build eco-roofs.

Because they care - and you pay.

I've always been curious whether the longest underground sewage storage tank in the world crosses any known fault lines and how it's going to hold up in the event of even a minor earthquake?

Will Portland be famous for having the biggest sewage spill in history?

Off the sewer grid
Rain barrel bath, backyard pee
Poop in food-scrap pail

City of Portland
Sticking it to you again
Where the sun don't shine


The Bureau of Environmental Services is once again warning Portlanders no swimming and to avoid any recreational activity in the Willamette River where water could be swallowed within 48 hours after it rains.

Time to have a Haiku poetry SLAM down at City Hall all day, all night camp out and groove on the rivers' toxi vapors offered by
personHOOD corporations.

Still a Superfund
The River is no cleaner
But my wallet is

A slough of cash flows
Into the ocean of greed
While simple folks bleed

Cry baby cry
Between the lines
One world order
Captured debt

Mr. Grumpy,

If a fault cracks open after an earthquake, perhaps the retained sewage will all drain into some sinkhole well below the earths crust. In a few million years, all that organic material may turn into a new petroleum reserve that defers the peak oil concerns.

I'm more concerned about the Willamette and the Columbia, all the way to the Pacific.

Crying Willamette River billions
the victims bottom end taxed up
as filth pours in upstream laughing

Mike, if the fault swallows City Hall the oil that eventually develops would be that stinky sulfurous kind that eats holes in refineries and catalytic converters alike.

Instead of Athabasca Shale oil they would call it Portlandia Shill oil.

I personally want to go back to the good ol' days when we dumped raw sewage into the Willamette ALL the time! That's when Portland was PORTLAND! Bring it back!

an epic fail
sewage should go through town
shipped by light rail

Bojack's army writes
While Kiddie Hall tries to fight
All fiscal prudence

Upriver LOIS
contends for Big Pipe $tatus
Flooding us with debt

dollar will be flushed
world reserve currency?
not much longer now

Debt swamp is the game
Council excuses are lame
not for need, but greed!

The hell with haiku!
This is highkooky!

The zinger here is greed!
They're getting off their feed!
(They should be smoking weed!)

Computer sez: "No available translation for highkooky"

There is now!

"Excess" sewer cash?
Great - let's build bike lanes instead!
It's not my money.

Color of money
is not always just green
Hocus pocus scene

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