This page contains a single entry from the blog posted on December 21, 2009 2:30 PM. The previous post in this blog was No way out. The next post in this blog is Mayor Creepy shows you how to make cheese. Many more can be found on the main index page or by looking through the archives.

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Monday, December 21, 2009

Welcome to our Cyber-office Christmas Party

Comments (119)

Don't forget, you can re-start the music up above on the comments page.

And try the salmon mousse!

Do you prefer the green or the white creme de menthe?

Please don't let the cat in!

I hope your neighbors don't mind - I parked in their driveway.

Bill, it's o.k., but don't blame me if their gum tree falls on it.

Am I fashionably late yet?

It's hard to type when holding a glass of cabernet.

Here's the first joke of the party:

Howard is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner, Howard goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Annabel, age 87, wandered into the garden. They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Howard turns to Annabel and asks, “Do you know what I miss most of all?”

She asks “What?”

He replies “SEX!!!”

Annabel exclaims, “Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!”

“I know”, Howard says, “but it would be nice if a woman just held it for a while."

“Well, I can oblige”, says Annabel, who gently unzips his trousers and removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.

They agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Annabel would hold Howard's manhood.

Then, one night, Howard didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Annabel decided to find Howard and make sure that he was O.K. She walked around the home until she found him sitting by the pool with Sarah, who was holding Howard's manhood!

Furious, Annabel yelled, “You two-timing creep! What does she have that I don't have?”

Howard smiled and replied "Parkinson's!”

Looking for the Brandy Alexanders.... ah there's the brandy, cream, sugar and nutmeg now. Won't stay long for my first visit... silly meetings... but will try to stagger back in later.

So far I'm just drinking Diet Dr. Pepper. It goes very well with the nachos, thank you.

Don't worry about the gum tree, I hit that on the way in.

These nachos are fantastic!

How about a Widmer Hefeweizen? With lemon please.

There's a guy outside saying his truck was stolen...anybody got a buck for him?

Is this yours? Somebody left this here at last year's party. I can't even figure out what it is.

I could have sworn I saw Sam Adams outside in his pickup running over your neighbors shrubs.

And LLP has just provided the first of the party's gag gifts...


Sorry I couldn't resist..

I'm still not getting this...

Paulson may not be here this year. His dad's grounded him over something, he wouldn't say what.

I'll be right back. I've got to go out in the kitchen for a sec.

Fireman Randy was talking about this party all weekend. I hope he gets lost on the way over.

His staff called a little while ago. They said he only drinks tap water.

What was the question again?

Hold on...I love this song...

I heard the Mayor can't come. He's attending an 18-year-old's birthday party.

Where is the mistletoe?

I think that's it up there:

Nice party. Jubelale for me, please.

Eat the hors d'oeuvres, people -- they won't keep:

In case you don't recognize me, Im the one staring at the monitor...

Sam took the mistletoe to the kid's birthday party.


I'm sorry... I waited until the last minute to call the caterer...

I'm not opposed to pizza in any form, but that's a violation of the Christmas cookie motif.

Mmm, they are good though. Never mind.

Oh yeah, a little Elvis. Now I'm really ready for Christmas! And those little pizzas were delicious.

Do you have any Kahlua on the rocks?

Where is the bar? I need something to get through that disturbing Andy/Osmond thing playing on the widescreen.

Here comes the guy with the eggnog:

BTW, if ecohuman brings brownies, you might want to take a couple of bites and wait a few minutes before you polish the rest off.

Mmmmm... bean dip...

Saltzman sends his regrets. He'd like to attend the party but the PPA told him they'd have another vote of no confidence if he showed his face around here.

Too bad. That guy's a real party animal.

A [holiday] drink that, as far as I know, I invented:

Soy Smuggler:

- A shot of Captain Morgan's Tattoo Rum.
- Mix with Soy Nog over ice or not.

It's a drink that definitely needs a better name...

Mr. Hanky sends his best.

There's a guy from CoP outside - he wants to know if we have a permit for this gathering. I gave him some Cap'n Morgan's Nog and asked him to wait on the porch.

Tell him I left the envelope with the receptionist.

Got the BeenVerified free background check app for my iphone and I cant put it down....

Sorry I'm late...got held up waiting for the Max. No, I mean LITERALLY HELD UP!

Jack, here's a bottle of Leonetti Cab to replace the one I drank last year. Again, very sorry, I thought you said anything in the wine cellar was fair game.

I am drinking from my secret stash in my desk, because I have to work today.

As long as we're talking about last year, I'm sorry about chandelier. I don't feel as bad about the glass table - the chandelier had to land somewhere.
And I still think going to Laurelhurst Park to feed the ducks was a good idea. I mean how often do they get to eat nachos?

Yeah, but after the nachos were gone Dave Lister ate a couple of goldfish.

Make that "the chandelier." Hey, what kind of mushrooms are these anyway?

Wow, these pretzels are making me thirsty!

My daughter spent the semester studying (I think) in Dublin--she brought me back a bottle of Redbreast 12 year pure pot still whiskey. Nollag shona!

Maybe you nollag shona, but I've always thought she was cute.

Merry Christmas Jack.

Bob! Merry Christmas to you. Now if we only had a video of you doing "Sleigh Ride"...

Speaking of sleigh rides how about that weather back East?
22 inches of snow in some places.
There was so much ice that Tiger's wife beat him with a hockey stick.

Has anybody seen the ice tongs?

I can't get into the bathroom! The door is locked and there are strange noises coming from inside. Who's in there?

This happened last year. Try the bathroom upstairs. Watch out for the hamster cage.

It's time for me to sign off. I've got to get back to taking care of mom - it's time for another feeding. Thank you for the respite. I hope all of you have a lovely Christmas. I am planning a get-together for two dozen rambunctious family members. Lots of presents, out-of-town guests, good food, and (hopefully) an altercation or two. Wouldn't be Christmas in this large family without a brouhaha.

I'm out of here, for I have ducks in Laurelhurst to feed, and miles to go before I sleep.
By the way, I was forced to drive across your neighbor's front lawn on the way out. Tell him I'm sorry about the Christmas decorations.

Mr. Hanky can come in, but not the cat?

What the boy cat does in the house is worse than Mr. Hanky.

I'm on my 2nd scotch now...life is pretty good!
Cheers to all!

He says he never forgave you for mistaking him for a girl.


I just stopped in for a minute ... mmmm, you make the best yule punch, Jack ... mind if I take a quart to go? ... I'm looking around for any giants -- or petites would do, too -- who'd like to get a game on against a redskin ... sporting? ... sporting? ... anybody? . . .


Cynthia, tell me about it. We love our boy Bill, though.

Are those two fellows still in the bathroom?

"Has anybody seen the ice tongs?"

Ice what?

Allan, I think they're out on the deck smoking now.

Someone call me a cybertaxi. I don't think I can get home on my own. What was in that punch?

Robert, you're a cybertaxi.

As much fun as this party is, let's take just a moment to think about the senseless killing that's going on elsewhere.

Ho Ho Ho...... Sinister Clause sent a little something from the Mayor's office. It's wrapped real shiny, but I find it well.... worth a lot less than we all paid for it.


Jack, what album do you have on?

Looks like the Giant Santa is leaving lots of coal for those bad kids who play for the Redskins..... but DC could use the heat.

Jack, what album do you have on?

Right now it's James Brown.

Haven't been here in some time and I show up for the party! What luck. That's three years in a row for me.

This blog is a creature of habit.

Hey, Nancy, good to see your here ... show me your loophole.

Wanna see my measure?

You guythh are the greatescht! (...urp...) REally, such a swell bunch of fellassh!

Now I seem to have lost my way back to the punch bowl (...urp). Oops! Got a bit on the carpet there! Sorry Jack.

Say, you guys are the greatescht!... For real....

I'm juss gonna lie down on these coats....

Jack, Merry Christmas to your cats and to you and your family. We just adopted another kitty to add more Christmas Cheer to our home. A very merry time here.

Kitties are the best.

Hey, people! What's that noise outside?

Cats usually don't make good party guests, though. Some try. I have one who looks to be wearing a black tuxedo that is too small-buttoned over his chest with the sides splaying out over his white stomach, like he's trying to fit into his prom tux when he needs a relaxed fit.

Merry Christmas All. Congrats on your new addition, Jerry.

Jack, Nolee and family. have a Christmas full of great joy and a New Years even better than the last.

Will you play Michael Jackson's "Human Nature"? One of my favorites.

Hey, people! What's that noise outside?

Sheesh. It was a couple of Bus kids trying to disconnect my downspouts.

Wow! the food is fantastic!
Who did you get to cater this party? But I miss the green jello with the mini marshmallows.
Maybe next year?
I think I need to find a lamp shade to try on now.

Thank you, Jack. the hubby and I put in on our surround sound and danced by the Christmas tree to the whole video. What a great way to end th evening. Thanks for the awesome party. Meet you in the a.m. for breakfast.

Hey, people! What's that noise outside?
Front end of a Chris Dudley 1 and 1.


The Merc kids were doing tequila shots in your den with an $85 anejo.

I managed to save half the bottle.

Feliz Navidad.

Portland Native,

My cousins used to call it "Green Death". that version had pineapple, though. I hear it is making a comeback.

Tasteful lampshade.

The Merc kids were doing tequila shots in your den with an $85 anejo.

I changed the contents of that bottle out last night. I knew they'd go for it.

Does anybody know who this woman passed out on the couch is?

Looks like a Storm a comin.

How long is this going to last?!?!

Jack, you realize that the particular romeo y julieta photo you posted are crappy Dominican Republica knock-offs, and not true Cubans. (You remember the Seinfeld episode, right!?)

They're all the same to me.

Hey, if you're leaving early, take some leftovers. We can't eat all this stuff.

Did you see the article suggesting that they named those cigars after the favorite book read by the factory reader (Cuban cigar factories have a long history of the workers hiring someone from among their ranks to read to them during their shifts).

Of those cigars, surely this is one of the ashheap of history...

Legend has it that Churchill was in the habit of inserting a straightened paper clip into the end of his Romeo y Julieta before a difficult interrogation. This would allow the cigar to burn without dropping any ash, letting his cigar ash burn so long it would distract onlookers. This was so strange and intimidating that it allowed Churchill to gain the upper hand in conversation.

Can someone help me carry in the keg of Widmer Drop Top? This party is going late into the night!

To anyone leaving right now...be careful, just saw Officer Thumpy Humpy drive by slowly outside.

Dang, I missed the party.

Merry Christmas Everybody!
Everybody Everywhere!

jerry mrismas, cack, 'n'all to a g'night ...

I'm sorry, I just closed my eyes for a minute. What day is it?

Thought I'd stop by with 5 gallons of hot commissary coffee (lots of caffeine and who cares about the taste) for lot of hung over party animals still to be found around here.... Drink up y'all ... some of your bosses are going to wonder why you look like death warmed over.... or be asking what's bigger than the universe (your hung over head of course)

I hope they don't pick today to do the random drug test.

whaaa??? I guess I passed out...
Ooo...my head hurts!!! and the room is still spinning.
I am way too old for this!!!

Pam and the Jackettes haven't been asked back for a return engagement, and it's been over 25 years now, so I don't think they're gonna ask.


I'm hungry!

Hey there's still some booze left in this bottle...should we finish it off this afternoon watching the Oregon State/BYU game?

Damn! I missed the whole thing and now there's just a whole lot of cleaning up to do. Well, at least the Sun came back!

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