Unless all the weather people are mistaken, it's time to pull the hot weather clichés out of mothballs and dust them off for a busy weekend. You can always get things rolling today with "Hot enough for ya?" By Sunday, "You can fry an egg on the sidewalk." In the meantime, there's always stuff like "It's so hot, I just saw a squirrel rubbing sunscreen on his nuts." For a change of pace, try "But at least it's a dry heat." Or "Last week we were complaining that we were cold." Then some radio station plays that wonderful, horrible song by the Lovin' Spoonful.
Maybe we just ought to assign numbers to these, and to save time and energy, we can just say the numbers to each other instead of the whole clichés. "Hot enough for ya?" can be no. 1, "You can fry an egg on the sidewalk" can be no. 2, etc. Here's a demonstration of the efficiencies that can be achieved with this new system:
Old system:
She: Geez, It's so hot out there, you can fry an egg on the sidewalk! He: I know, but at least it's a dry heat.
New system:
She: Two! He: Four.
See? It works.
Now that that's settled, it's way past time to invent some new catchphrases. I've been working on these, but I'm not getting very far yet:
"It's so hot, I'm going to queue up for a sponge bath in a Benson bubbler."
"It's so hot, I just saw a cop dip his Taser in a slushie at the Plaid Pantry."
"It's hotter than Emilie Boyles's armpit in a sauna."
"Hotter than a credit card in a Whole Foods scanner."
"Hotter than the golden showers coming off the SmartPark garage."
"Hotter than an investment with Craig Berkman."
Close, but not quite. Come on, readers, help us out.
It's so hot, the Portland City Council decided that instead of moving I-5 away from the Willamette River, they should move the Willamette River over to Fourth Avenue (FKA Cesar Chavez Blvd.)
Charamba, Douro 2008
Horse Heaven Hills, Cabernet 2010
Lorelle, Horse Heaven Hills Pinot Grigio 2011
Avignonesi, Montepulciano 2004
Lorelle, Willamette Valley Pinot Noir 2011
Villa Antinori, Toscana 2007
Mercedes Eguren, Cabernet Sauvignon 2009
Lorelle, Columbia Valley Cabernet 2011
Purple Moon, Merlot 2011
Purple Moon, Chardonnnay 2011
Abacela, Vintner's Blend No. 12
Opula Red Blend 2010
Liberte, Pinot Noir 2010
Chateau Ste. Michelle, Indian Wells Red Blend 2010
Woodbridge, Chardonnay 2011
King Estate, Pinot Noir 2011
Famille Perrin, Cotes du Rhone Villages 2010
Columbia Crest, Les Chevaux Red 2010
14 Hands, Hot to Trot White Blend
Familia Bianchi, Malbec 2009
Terrapin Cellars, Pinot Gris 2011
Columbia Crest, Walter Clore Private Reserve 2009
Campo Viejo, Rioja, Termpranillo 2010
Ravenswood, Cabernet Sauvignon 2009
Quinta das Amoras, Vinho Tinto 2010
Waterbrook, Reserve Merlot 2009
Lorelle, Horse Heaven Hills, Pinot Grigio 2011
Tarantas, Rose
Chateau Lajarre, Bordeaux 2009
La Vielle Ferme, Rose 2011
Benvolio, Pinot Grigio 2011
Nobilo Icon, Pinot Noir 2009
Lello, Douro Tinto 2009
Quinson Fils, Cotes de Provence Rose 2011
Anindor, Pinot Gris 2010
Buenas Ondas, Syrah Rose 2010
Les Fiefs d'Anglars, Malbec 2009
14 Hands, Pinot Gris 2011
Conundrum 2012
Condes de Albarei, Albariño 2011
Columbia Crest, Walter Clore Private Reserve 2007
Penelope Sanchez, Garnacha Syrah 2010
Canoe Ridge, Merlot 2007
Atalaya do Mar, Godello 2010
Vega Montan, Mencia
Benvolio, Pinot Grigio
Nobilo Icon, Pinot Noir, Marlborough 2009
Portuga, Rose 2011
Revelation, Chardonnay, Pays d'Oc 2010
Beaulieu, Cabernet, Rutherford 2005
Monte Alto, Tinto Reserva 2005
Chateau Ste. Michelle, Cabernet, Indian Wells 2009
Espiral, Vinho Rose
Vin-Koru, Pinot Gris 2011
14 Hands, Hot to Trot Red 2009
Rodney Strong, Cabernet, Sonoma 2009
Abacela, Vintner's Blend #11
Portuga, White 2010
La Bourgeoisie, Red 2009
Januik, Red 2009
Three Rivers, River's Red 2008
Kirkland, Alexander Valley Merlot 2008
Muga, Rioja Rose 2010
Quinta das Amoras, Vinho Tinto 2009
Mauro Molino, Barbera d'Alba 2009
Garda Chiaretto Rose
Columbia Crest, Two Vines Vineyard 10 White
Chateau Ste. Michelle, Pinot Gris, Columbia Valley 2009
L'Hortus, Rose de Saignee 2010
Maculan, Pino & Toi 2008
McKinley Springs, Bombing Range Red 2008
Trader Joe's Pinot Gris 2009
Montes Alpha, Cabernet 2007
Gran Sasso, Sangiovese, Terre di Chieti 2009
Garda, Classico Chiaretto Rose
Beaulieu, Cabernet, Rutherford 1999
Picos del Montgo, Tempranillo 2008
Chateau de Montmirail, Vacqueyras 2008
La Granja 360, Syrah 2009
Montgras, Carmenere Reserva 2009
Lange, Pinot Gris 2009
Columbia Crest, Horse Heaven Hills Cabernet 2008
Kirkland, Pinot Grigio 2010
Trader Joe's Coastal Syrah 2009
Columbia Crest, Horse Heaven Hills Merlot 2008
Trader Joe's Coastal Chardonnay 2009
Vieux Papes Red
Domaine de l'Aujardiere, Chardonnay 2009
Santa Rita, Cabernet, Medalla Real 2007
Penfold's, Koonunga Hill Shiraz Cabernet 2008
Guild, Red, Lot #02 2008
Dievole, Dievolino Sangiovese 2008
Laforet, Burgogne Chardonnay 2009
Columbia Winery, Merlot 2007
Bonterra, Cabernet 2008
Elk Cove, Pinot Gris 2009
Maquis Lien 2006
Scott Paul, Pinot Noir, Le Paulee 2007
The Occasional Book
Neil Young - Waging Heavy Peace
Mark Bego - Aretha Franklin, the Queen of Soul (2012 ed.)
Jenny Lawson - Let's Pretend This Never Happened
J.D. Salinger - Franny and Zooey
Charles Dickens - A Christmas Carol
Timothy Egan - The Big Burn
Deborah Eisenberg - Transactions in a Foreign Currency
Kurt Vonnegut Jr. - Slaughterhouse Five
Kathryn Lance - Pandora's Genes
Cheryl Strayed - Wild
Fyodor Dostoyevsky - The Brothers Karamazov
Jack London - The House of Pride, and Other Tales of Hawaii
Jack Walker - The Extraordinary Rendition of Vincent Dellamaria
Colum McCann - Let the Great World Spin
Niccolò Machiavelli - The Prince
Harper Lee - To Kill a Mockingbird
Emma McLaughlin & Nicola Kraus - The Nanny Diaries
Brian Selznick - The Invention of Hugo Cabret
Sharon Creech - Walk Two Moons
Keith Richards - Life
F. Sionil Jose - Dusk
Natalie Babbitt - Tuck Everlasting
Justin Halpern - S#*t My Dad Says
Mark Herrmann - The Curmudgeon's Guide to Practicing Law
Barry Glassner - The Gospel of Food
Phil Stanford - The Peyton-Allan Files
Jesse Katz - The Opposite Field
Evelyn Waugh - Brideshead Revisited
J.K. Rowling - Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone
David Sedaris - Holidays on Ice
Donald Miller - A Million Miles in a Thousand Years
Mitch Albom - Have a Little Faith
C.S. Lewis - The Magician's Nephew
F. Scott Fitzgerald - The Great Gatsby
William Shakespeare - A Midsummer Night's Dream
Ivan Doig - Bucking the Sun
Penda Diakité - I Lost My Tooth in Africa
Grace Lin - The Year of the Rat
Oscar Hijuelos - Mr. Ives' Christmas
Madeline L'Engle - A Wrinkle in Time
Steven Hart - The Last Three Miles
David Sedaris - Me Talk Pretty One Day
Karen Armstrong - The Spiral Staircase
Charles Larson - The Portland Murders
Adrian Wojnarowski - The Miracle of St. Anthony
William H. Colby - Long Goodbye
Steven D. Stark - Meet the Beatles
Phil Stanford - Portland Confidential
Rick Moody - Garden State
Jonathan Schwartz - All in Good Time
David Sedaris - Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim
Anthony Holden - Big Deal
Robert J. Spitzer - The Spirit of Leadership
James McManus - Positively Fifth Street
Jeff Noon - Vurt
Road Work
Miles run year to date: 21
At this date last year: 52
Total run in 2012: 129
In 2011: 113
In 2010: 125
In 2009: 67
In 2008: 28
In 2007: 113
In 2006: 100
In 2005: 149
In 2004: 204
In 2003: 269
Comments (33)
Hotter than bellyboarding on a lava floe
Posted by ejs | June 27, 2008 11:20 AM
Hotter than a well diggers ass...
Posted by Michael | June 27, 2008 11:36 AM
Hotter than a red-headed roofer in phoenix...
Posted by Mark | June 27, 2008 11:37 AM
Fa più caldo che a Chernobyl nell'ottobre dell'86.
[sti americani ce vengono a fare i giochi di parole scemi nei blog altrui...]
Got it?!
Posted by sarah | June 27, 2008 11:50 AM
I understand the first part, but that bit in parentheses is throwing me. Something about clam sauce when you're on probation?
Posted by Jack Bog | June 27, 2008 11:57 AM
hotter than a crackheads crack pipe
Posted by meg | June 27, 2008 12:01 PM
Yeah, but let's make it more topical: Hotter than Amy Winehouse's crack pipe.
Posted by Jack Bog | June 27, 2008 12:05 PM
Hotter than the air rising from the Visioning Meeting in Portland earlier this month.
Posted by Bob W | June 27, 2008 12:06 PM
Down in Eugene, it's so hot, they're deep-frying tofu in the patchouli oil.
Posted by Jack Bog | June 27, 2008 12:10 PM
So hot it's giving the Blazers' new roster a run for its money...
Now that's topical. And shameless.
Posted by TKrueg | June 27, 2008 12:17 PM
Hotter than the chafing in Al Gore's inner thighs when he recently started jogging again.
Posted by Bob W | June 27, 2008 12:19 PM
It's so hot, Sam Adams is drinking at straight bars in order to cool off.
It's so hot, people are crowding into Portland City Council meetings to get the cold shoulder.
It's so hot, the Portland Development Commission has decided to hold its next meeting inside Homer Williams' limousine.
Posted by Musician | June 27, 2008 12:21 PM
the Blazers' new roster
Hotter than a bong in Rasheed Wallace's Hummer.
Posted by Jack Bog | June 27, 2008 12:22 PM
So hot BoJack showed up at a John McCain fundraiser just for the free beer.
Posted by Bob W | June 27, 2008 12:25 PM
It's so hot, Randy Leonard just declared Timberline Lodge part of the Lents urban renewal district.
Posted by Jack Bog | June 27, 2008 12:26 PM
Hotter then the Soul Train Spotlight Dance.
Posted by meg | June 27, 2008 12:31 PM
It's so hot, the Portland City Council decided that instead of moving I-5 away from the Willamette River, they should move the Willamette River over to Fourth Avenue (FKA Cesar Chavez Blvd.)
Posted by Bob W | June 27, 2008 12:33 PM
It is so hot, T.A. Barnhart is calling people Guy.
Posted by meg | June 27, 2008 12:36 PM
It's so hot, Elizabeth Furse is standing next to Jeff Merkley just for the shade.
Posted by Jack Bog | June 27, 2008 12:48 PM
It's so hot I almost drank the Kool-Aid Homer was handing out.
Posted by J | June 27, 2008 1:46 PM
Hotter than Randy peddling Sams bike at CGW.
Posted by Art | June 27, 2008 1:51 PM
It is so hot the city council was spotted drinking slurpees at Petersons.
It is so hot that Jonathan Maus drove his car to work.
It is so hot Lars Larson took off his gun belt.
Posted by John Benton | June 27, 2008 2:22 PM
It's so hot, Republicans stopped burning science textbooks.
Posted by Scott | June 27, 2008 2:27 PM
It's Hotter than playing footsie with Larry Craig
Posted by Pete Ayres | June 27, 2008 2:44 PM
It is so hot Citizen Chris Smith is now a puddle of oil.
Posted by meg | June 27, 2008 2:59 PM
It's so hot, all the polar bears at the Oregon Zoo are demanding bikini waxes.
Posted by Musician | June 27, 2008 3:28 PM
It's so hot my carbon footprint is sweating.
Posted by Oh my | June 27, 2008 4:10 PM
Hotter than a charette facilitator.
Posted by Cynthia | June 27, 2008 4:23 PM
"It's so hot, Republicans stopped burning science textbooks."
heh heh heh heh heh
It's so hot I just cut-and-pasted this one instead of thinking of my own.
Posted by Pat Malach | June 27, 2008 5:34 PM
it's so hot instead of hauling out my new humongous recycling bin I just threw everything in the garbage.
Posted by J | June 27, 2008 9:51 PM
It's so hot that the temperature has to be measured in Carlins.
Posted by telecom | June 27, 2008 10:05 PM
We got married in a beater
Hotter than a Brussels sprout!
We been talk’n ‘bout Gresham
Ever since the fire went out
I’m going to Gresham
(gonna mess around)
I’m going to Gresham
Goodbye Portland town!
Posted by Geoff | June 28, 2008 8:08 AM
it's so hot, Dick Cheney had to bathe in the blood of the innocent twice.
Posted by ecohuman.com | June 28, 2008 3:37 PM