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Friday, June 27, 2008

And babe, don't you know it's a pity

Unless all the weather people are mistaken, it's time to pull the hot weather clichés out of mothballs and dust them off for a busy weekend. You can always get things rolling today with "Hot enough for ya?" By Sunday, "You can fry an egg on the sidewalk." In the meantime, there's always stuff like "It's so hot, I just saw a squirrel rubbing sunscreen on his nuts." For a change of pace, try "But at least it's a dry heat." Or "Last week we were complaining that we were cold." Then some radio station plays that wonderful, horrible song by the Lovin' Spoonful.

Maybe we just ought to assign numbers to these, and to save time and energy, we can just say the numbers to each other instead of the whole clichés. "Hot enough for ya?" can be no. 1, "You can fry an egg on the sidewalk" can be no. 2, etc. Here's a demonstration of the efficiencies that can be achieved with this new system:

Old system:

She: Geez, It's so hot out there, you can fry an egg on the sidewalk!
He: I know, but at least it's a dry heat.

New system:

She: Two!
He: Four.

See? It works.

Now that that's settled, it's way past time to invent some new catchphrases. I've been working on these, but I'm not getting very far yet:

"It's so hot, I'm going to queue up for a sponge bath in a Benson bubbler."

"It's so hot, I just saw a cop dip his Taser in a slushie at the Plaid Pantry."

"It's hotter than Emilie Boyles's armpit in a sauna."

"Hotter than a credit card in a Whole Foods scanner."

"Hotter than the golden showers coming off the SmartPark garage."

"Hotter than an investment with Craig Berkman."

Close, but not quite. Come on, readers, help us out.

Comments (33)

Hotter than bellyboarding on a lava floe

Hotter than a well diggers ass...

Hotter than a red-headed roofer in phoenix...

Fa più caldo che a Chernobyl nell'ottobre dell'86.
[sti americani ce vengono a fare i giochi di parole scemi nei blog altrui...]

Got it?!

I understand the first part, but that bit in parentheses is throwing me. Something about clam sauce when you're on probation?

hotter than a crackheads crack pipe

Yeah, but let's make it more topical: Hotter than Amy Winehouse's crack pipe.

Hotter than the air rising from the Visioning Meeting in Portland earlier this month.

Down in Eugene, it's so hot, they're deep-frying tofu in the patchouli oil.

So hot it's giving the Blazers' new roster a run for its money...

Now that's topical. And shameless.

Hotter than the chafing in Al Gore's inner thighs when he recently started jogging again.

It's so hot, Sam Adams is drinking at straight bars in order to cool off.

It's so hot, people are crowding into Portland City Council meetings to get the cold shoulder.

It's so hot, the Portland Development Commission has decided to hold its next meeting inside Homer Williams' limousine.

the Blazers' new roster

Hotter than a bong in Rasheed Wallace's Hummer.

So hot BoJack showed up at a John McCain fundraiser just for the free beer.

It's so hot, Randy Leonard just declared Timberline Lodge part of the Lents urban renewal district.

Hotter then the Soul Train Spotlight Dance.

It's so hot, the Portland City Council decided that instead of moving I-5 away from the Willamette River, they should move the Willamette River over to Fourth Avenue (FKA Cesar Chavez Blvd.)

It is so hot, T.A. Barnhart is calling people Guy.

It's so hot, Elizabeth Furse is standing next to Jeff Merkley just for the shade.

It's so hot I almost drank the Kool-Aid Homer was handing out.

Hotter than Randy peddling Sams bike at CGW.

It is so hot the city council was spotted drinking slurpees at Petersons.

It is so hot that Jonathan Maus drove his car to work.

It is so hot Lars Larson took off his gun belt.

It's so hot, Republicans stopped burning science textbooks.

It's Hotter than playing footsie with Larry Craig

It is so hot Citizen Chris Smith is now a puddle of oil.

It's so hot, all the polar bears at the Oregon Zoo are demanding bikini waxes.

It's so hot my carbon footprint is sweating.

Hotter than a charette facilitator.

"It's so hot, Republicans stopped burning science textbooks."

heh heh heh heh heh

It's so hot I just cut-and-pasted this one instead of thinking of my own.

it's so hot instead of hauling out my new humongous recycling bin I just threw everything in the garbage.

It's so hot that the temperature has to be measured in Carlins.

We got married in a beater

Hotter than a Brussels sprout!

We been talk’n ‘bout Gresham

Ever since the fire went out

I’m going to Gresham

(gonna mess around)

I’m going to Gresham

Goodbye Portland town!

it's so hot, Dick Cheney had to bathe in the blood of the innocent twice.

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