The e-mail inbox is a wonderful place. Today we find:
What You Need To Believe To Be A Republican
Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.
Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him, and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.
Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.
The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.
A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.
The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches, while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.
If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.
A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.
Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy, but providing health care to all Americans is socialism. HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.
Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in the public schools.
A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense, but a president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.
Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.
The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of our business.
Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.
Supporting "Executive Privilege" for every Republican ever born, who will be born or who might be born (in perpetuity).
What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.
Support for hunters who shoot their friends and blame them for wearing orange vests similar to those worn by the quail.
Comments (25)
How about "The Bible is to be taken absolutely literally, except the part about usury. That part was a practical joke. Usury is actually mandated by God."
What you REALLY need to believe to be a Republican:
All you really need to believe is that Democrats have become so unhinged with irrational hatred for any opinion that dissents from their own that they actually believe this stuff about Republicans.
In response to the comment above regarding irrational hatred, we seemed to have a tiny bit of that towards the Clinton administration in the not too distant past. In my opinion, the dislike of the policies of the present crew in the Whitehouse has some basis.
Damn, I shouldn't have rested on my laurels. When this post first came up, and there were no comments, I was going to post:
" 5....4....3....2....1...."
Looks like I should have.
Lighten up folks. It only hurts because of the ring of truth.
As Jane says at firedoglake: there is no such thing as a moderate Republican -- just a bunch of short pants pansies who love war when it's fought by other people's children.
But with 70% of troops and 70% of generals saying the war is lost, well, the war is lost, like W without his fifth of JD.
Lost. And I focking can't stop laughing!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Republican Spin(Part 1): “When a Democrat criticizes the President he is blinded by hatred and a terrorist-sympathizer, but now that more Republicans are bailing out they are just courageous Americans willing to speak their minds.
Republican Spin(Part 2): “When everyone finally realizes how bad one of our mistakes is, we ask why rehash it? Why be so negative? That’s old news now. We have to look forward and concentrate on our next move, which – by the way – if you criticize you’re blinded by hatred and a terrorist sympathizer.
Repeat steps 1 and 2 until America is gone.
daphne do you put ice in your coolaid or just drink it warm? i quite frankly dont see a whole lotta of difference in either party.. they both pander for votes, they both will screw us citizens to insure their power base. we had 8 years of clinton.. and most of this rant would apply equally to his administration too. i am a independant who is throughly disgusted with both parties. ace..
Hey Jud, interesting comment about the Pope. Can you remind me again which candidate was the Catholic in the last election? Or for that matter, I think we even had a Catholic President. Who was that? Thanks in advance :)
Thanks for the list, I'd been wondering what I believed in - it had been so easy merely going the opposite direction from the dumocrats - but now, I have a list.
Yeah, it's a pity we'd like to save the country while the liberals merely want to turn it into a socialist country - like France; we see how well it's working there!
of course we could look at the fine example of democratic leadership in multnohma county, the portland city council, the mayor, the governor... ah... now we have balance.. "clowns to the left of me, jokers on the right here i am stuck in the middle with you." (stealers wheel) they also sang.."trying to make some sense of it all, but i can see it makes no sense at all" portlands new theme song...? ace
Imagine no Republicans,
It's easy if you try,
No Bush to snicker,
No Condi to reply,
Imagine all the people
Free from Cheney's eye.
Imagine there's no Rummy,
It isn't hard to do,
Somebody stole his glasses,
And the world he's seeing through.
Imagine all the money
That they took from schools
Imagine no obsessions,
I wonder if you can,
No need for oil or vengeance,
A brotherhood of man,
Imagine all the people
Voting for their dreams
You may say I'm a Demo,
but I'm not the only one,
I hope some day you'll join us,
And the world will live as one.
Jack I'm sure this will more than make up for your occasional shots at Opie and the other so-called progressives that have a deathgrip on our fair PDX. You'll be back in the good graces of the trogs at Blueoregon faster than they can say Send More Money.
I'm reading Kevin Phillips "AMERICAN THEOCRACY, The Peril and Politics of Radical Religion, Oil, and Borrowed Money in the 21st Century.
From the dedication page: "This book is dedicated to the millions of Republicans, present and lapsed, who have opposed the Bush dynasty and the disenlightenment in the 2000 and 2004 elections"
Frank, I just read your comment on Blue Oregon about this blog and homelessness,among other things. You are an amazing analyst and diplomat. You would have made great clergy, but you are doing fine as a layman.
Miles run year to date: 21
At this date last year: 52
Total run in 2012: 129
In 2011: 113
In 2010: 125
In 2009: 67
In 2008: 28
In 2007: 113
In 2006: 100
In 2005: 149
In 2004: 204
In 2003: 269
Comments (25)
How about "The Bible is to be taken absolutely literally, except the part about usury. That part was a practical joke. Usury is actually mandated by God."
Posted by Dave J. | April 14, 2006 1:56 PM
What you REALLY need to believe to be a Republican:
All you really need to believe is that Democrats have become so unhinged with irrational hatred for any opinion that dissents from their own that they actually believe this stuff about Republicans.
Posted by Tom Scrib | April 14, 2006 2:05 PM
Funny. Heh, heh.
As if there's anything akin to intellectual consistency with the Party of Donkeys
Posted by Alice | April 14, 2006 2:10 PM
I believe it. And I'm a Republican.
Posted by Justin M | April 14, 2006 3:10 PM
In response to the comment above regarding irrational hatred, we seemed to have a tiny bit of that towards the Clinton administration in the not too distant past. In my opinion, the dislike of the policies of the present crew in the Whitehouse has some basis.
Posted by jimbo | April 14, 2006 3:19 PM
It doesn't matter if they belong to the party of donkeys or elephants deep down inside they're all weasels.
Posted by tom | April 14, 2006 3:32 PM
Damn, I shouldn't have rested on my laurels. When this post first came up, and there were no comments, I was going to post:
" 5....4....3....2....1...."
Looks like I should have.
Lighten up folks. It only hurts because of the ring of truth.
Posted by Jud | April 14, 2006 3:42 PM
As Jane says at firedoglake: there is no such thing as a moderate Republican -- just a bunch of short pants pansies who love war when it's fought by other people's children.
But with 70% of troops and 70% of generals saying the war is lost, well, the war is lost, like W without his fifth of JD.
Lost. And I focking can't stop laughing!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by Daphne | April 14, 2006 4:21 PM
I also have to admit that the calls of indignation are rather ironic in light of this current headline:
"Pope Uses Easter To Attack Gay Families"
Quite apropos of #1 on the list.
Posted by Jud | April 14, 2006 4:25 PM
Republican Spin(Part 1): “When a Democrat criticizes the President he is blinded by hatred and a terrorist-sympathizer, but now that more Republicans are bailing out they are just courageous Americans willing to speak their minds.
Republican Spin(Part 2): “When everyone finally realizes how bad one of our mistakes is, we ask why rehash it? Why be so negative? That’s old news now. We have to look forward and concentrate on our next move, which – by the way – if you criticize you’re blinded by hatred and a terrorist sympathizer.
Repeat steps 1 and 2 until America is gone.
Posted by Bill McDonald | April 14, 2006 4:46 PM
daphne do you put ice in your coolaid or just drink it warm? i quite frankly dont see a whole lotta of difference in either party.. they both pander for votes, they both will screw us citizens to insure their power base. we had 8 years of clinton.. and most of this rant would apply equally to his administration too. i am a independant who is throughly disgusted with both parties. ace..
Posted by ace | April 14, 2006 5:21 PM
Hey Jud, interesting comment about the Pope. Can you remind me again which candidate was the Catholic in the last election? Or for that matter, I think we even had a Catholic President. Who was that? Thanks in advance :)
Posted by Tom Scrib | April 14, 2006 5:39 PM
Thanks for the list, I'd been wondering what I believed in - it had been so easy merely going the opposite direction from the dumocrats - but now, I have a list.
Yeah, it's a pity we'd like to save the country while the liberals merely want to turn it into a socialist country - like France; we see how well it's working there!
Posted by Mmmarvel | April 14, 2006 5:56 PM
Save the country? I didn't realize we were at risk of losing it.
Posted by Hahn | April 14, 2006 8:29 PM
That list is just the tip of the iceberg:
People are homeless because they don't want to work.
The minimum wage is what an employer might offer, which will be subject to taxation, Social Security, etc.
People can't allow brain-dead relatives to expire.
Corporations own all public lands and the state is merely their steward.
Prayer in public schools will solve all of our problems.
Posted by pbailey | April 14, 2006 9:03 PM
OK Jack I tried to call you and give you a scoop but you didn't call me back.
You'll see it in the Oregonian tomorrow.
Posted by Rob Kremer | April 14, 2006 10:20 PM
of course we could look at the fine example of democratic leadership in multnohma county, the portland city council, the mayor, the governor... ah... now we have balance.. "clowns to the left of me, jokers on the right here i am stuck in the middle with you." (stealers wheel) they also sang.."trying to make some sense of it all, but i can see it makes no sense at all" portlands new theme song...? ace
Posted by ace | April 14, 2006 10:31 PM
Rob: Sorry I missed it! After an exhausting week, I crashed promptly upon getting home.
Posted by Jack Bog | April 14, 2006 11:54 PM
Imagine no Republicans,
It's easy if you try,
No Bush to snicker,
No Condi to reply,
Imagine all the people
Free from Cheney's eye.
Imagine there's no Rummy,
It isn't hard to do,
Somebody stole his glasses,
And the world he's seeing through.
Imagine all the money
That they took from schools
Imagine no obsessions,
I wonder if you can,
No need for oil or vengeance,
A brotherhood of man,
Imagine all the people
Voting for their dreams
You may say I'm a Demo,
but I'm not the only one,
I hope some day you'll join us,
And the world will live as one.
Posted by patrick b | April 14, 2006 11:58 PM
Save the country? I didn't realize we were at risk of losing it.
Press 1 for english
Posted by ace | April 15, 2006 8:29 AM
Jack I'm sure this will more than make up for your occasional shots at Opie and the other so-called progressives that have a deathgrip on our fair PDX. You'll be back in the good graces of the trogs at Blueoregon faster than they can say Send More Money.
Posted by Ronald M | April 15, 2006 8:54 AM
I prefer:
"Progressives in power work to reform things and screw everything up. Conservatives in power work to keep it that way."
Posted by godfry | April 15, 2006 10:22 AM
Funny. But also sad, in that there's a ring of truth to it for many if not quite most Republicans. It's one of the reasons I finally left the party.
Somewhat along the same lines, I got these links in my inbox yesterday from Top 5. Apropos of Monday's tax deadline, here we have:
Tax forms for Republicans
Tax forms for Democrats
Posted by David Wright | April 15, 2006 11:14 AM
I'm reading Kevin Phillips "AMERICAN THEOCRACY, The Peril and Politics of Radical Religion, Oil, and Borrowed Money in the 21st Century.
From the dedication page: "This book is dedicated to the millions of Republicans, present and lapsed, who have opposed the Bush dynasty and the disenlightenment in the 2000 and 2004 elections"
In other words...there's hope.
Posted by Frank Dufay | April 15, 2006 11:34 AM
Frank, I just read your comment on Blue Oregon about this blog and homelessness,among other things. You are an amazing analyst and diplomat. You would have made great clergy, but you are doing fine as a layman.
Posted by Cynthia | April 15, 2006 6:57 PM