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This page contains a single entry from the blog posted on November 18, 2005 2:15 AM. The previous post in this blog was You're not welcome. The next post in this blog is Wooden expression. Many more can be found on the main index page or by looking through the archives.

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Friday, November 18, 2005

Here's a couple of ideas

The city of Portland has $450,000 available to support environmentally sustainable projects. The city's Office of Sustainable Development is accepting grant applications as part of its Green Investment Fund. The competitive grant program supports projects that reduce waste and toxins, conserve water, manage stormwater, conserve energy and promote the use of renewable energy. The maximum grant amount for a single project is $225,000. Industrial, residential, commercial and mix-use projects are eligible and private organizations may apply. -- News story in Portland Business Journal.

GRANT PROPOSAL No. 1

Project title: "Pave Dirt Roads in Residential Neighborhoods"

Location: Numerous streets throughout NE, SE and SW Portland.

How project meets program goals: Paving the streets that have been left unpaved for years will eliminate numerous instances in which suspension systems of autos are damaged by large potholes and badly rutted dirt roads, thus lessening consumption of environmentally irresponsible replacement parts. Paving will also eliminate cleanups of clothing of pedestrians who are splattered by mud from passing vehicles, and repeated washing of vehicles that must slog down mud paths to reach drivers' homes.

Paved roads will encourage additional pedestrian and bicycle traffic through affected rights-of-way, thus promoting healthy lifestyles. Increased consumption of Gatorade will reduce reliance on Bull Run water supply. Elimination of stress of living near bad roads, plus sweating from increased walking, will release built-up toxins in local population. Pickup of droppings from pets will be facilitated by smooth pavement. Flat surfaces will reduce wear and tear on recycling bins, and encourage composting of fallen leaves in autumn.

Additional public benefits: Improved roads will encourage desirable in-fill on every available five-foot-square parcel currently left uncovered, thus promoting Metro density goals. Paved streets will also encourage biotechnology boom, open up new routes for streetcar expansion, attract real estate speculators from California, and enable members of creative class to live in affected neighborhoods without fear of ruining their Rockport oxfords. With all dirt alleys finally eliminated, city will resemble Barcelona and Vancouver, B.C.

GRANT PROPOSAL No. 2

Project title: "Reopen Police Stations at Night and on Weekends"

Location: All police precincts other than Central Precinct.

How project meets program goals: Having police stations open at night and on weekends will shorten drive times for residents who are fleeing from violent crimes after business hours, as well as eliminate unnecessary driving for felons who are seeking to turn themselves in after precincts currently close. Open precincts will also encourage officers to warm up and stay dry in central locations, rather than unnecessarily idling their patrol cars throughout their shifts.

Open station houses will enhance community policing, lessening tensions between residents and officers, and thereby reducing unnecessary shootings, which release biohazards (mostly, blood) into environment. Noise pollution from gunshots will decrease. Reduction in number of police inquests will reduce amount of energy and paper consumed in compiling reports concluding that event was tragic but unavoidable. Reductions in number and severity of anti-police protests will minimize releases of pepper spray into ambient atmosphere.

Additional public benefits: After-hours interactions between citizenry and public safety officers will decrease officers' isolation and accompanying alienation, thus lowering number of stress disability retirements. Number of property owners who suffer cardiac arrest upon reading fine print on property tax statements will also decrease.

Comments (6)

Number 2 is the real winner. Too bad it makes sense - that kinda stuff never flies in PDX.

That's the kind of sarcasm I love... why are the city's priorities so out of whack?

Why pave the unpaved roads? I don't hear the public clamoring for that. We lived in a house on an unpaved road in east portland for many years and loved it. No traffic speeding up and down the street. Kids could play out front without fear of cars. I suspect that the people who want every residential street to be paved are the ones who are driving too fast anyway. Potholes are a lot less expensive to install than speed bumps. If you ask me its the people who want to pave every road in the city who have their priorities skewed.

If the city wants to "reduce waste" they should really consider leaving the potholes where they are:

*Potholes are great storm water receptacles.
*People who have dirty clothes can stand by potholes while I speed up and down the street splish splashing them clean.
*The toxic waste from leaking cars will be confined to holes instead of smeared all over a pretty new street.
*I won't have to put out water for birds, squirrels and other peoples cats.
*I can use pothole water to water my garden!

SAVE THE POTHOLES!!!!!

Actually, you could make a valid case that unpaved roads collect a large amount of water during mosquito breeding season, and thus serve as disease vectors. Additionally, people currently living on unpaved roads could provide notice to the city that they would be inclined to sue should any of their family acquire West Nile Virus from one of the pools of water on their "road."

I think Arne is very progressive. Let's spend all our future transportation dollars tearing up those icky streets that people are driving too fast on. We can convert all that CSO and traffic inducing asphalt into pedestrian and squirrel pathways lined with cracked walnut shells and apricot pits for traction. Instead of the City that Works, we can become the City that Walks.

Anybody that doesn't like our earth friendly approach to human scale transportation can move up to Vantucky or NASCAReavton.


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