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This page contains a single entry from the blog posted on November 28, 2004 10:06 PM. The previous post in this blog was 'Tis the season. The next post in this blog is While I was out. Many more can be found on the main index page or by looking through the archives.

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Sunday, November 28, 2004

Nanook-a, no no

Another Thanksgiving weekend under my belt -- literally. There's something about this four-day period that puts me to sleep. Maybe it's the tryptophan, or maybe it's the lengthening shadows and long nights. But it's definitely a time to catch up on rest after a hectic couple of months. This year October and November have been even more action-packed than usual.

What lulls me to slumber more than anything else, though, is televised sports. I can't go more than 15 minutes in a prone position in front of a football or basketball game without crashing. I catch a few minutes of the game just as I conk out and come to, but that's about it.

Tonight I couldn't resist catching the end of the Sunday Night Football contest, and when I turned it on, I was delighted to see that it was snowing sideways where the game was being played, in Denver. It was an exciting finish, with the visiting Oakland Raiders coming from behind to beat the home team, the Broncos, in the fourth quarter. Players slipping and sliding in the snow, with the ball taking weird bounces and flying in odd trajectories. At the very end, a field goal was blocked because, given the conditions, the kick was way lower than normal.

But there was one aspect of the game that bothered me. If you've watched any football lately, you know that, thanks to the wonders of technology, we now see the first down marker on every play as a yellow stripe electronically superimposed across the field. It's done so well -- unlike an old-fashioned chroma-key insert -- that it looks exactly as though it was painted on the field along with the other stripes marking the yardage to the end zone.

In the snow, however, the yellow stripe reminded me of an old Frank Zappa tune so appropriate to the season. And it dawned on me: They definitely need a different color of stripe for the snow games.

Dreamed I was an Eskimo (Bop-bop ta-da-da bop-bop ta-da-da) Frozen wind began to blow (Bop-bop ta-da-da bop-bop ta-da-da) Under my boots 'n around my toe (Bop-bop ta-da-da bop-bop ta-da-da) Frost had bit the ground below (Boop-boop aiee-ay-ah!) Was a hundred degrees below zero (Booh!) (Bop-bop ta-da-da bop-bop ta-da-da)

And my momma cried:
Boo-a-hoo hoo-ooo
And my momma cried:
Nanook-a, no no (no no . . . )
Nanook-a, no no (no no . . . )
Don't be a naughty Eskimo-wo-oh
(Bop-bop ta-da-da bop-bop ta-da-da)
Save your money: don't go to the show

Well I turned around an' I said:
HO HO (Booh!)
Well I turned around an' I said:
HO HO (Booh!)
Well I turned around an' I said:
HO HO
An' the Northern Lights commenced t' glow
An' she said
(Bop-bop ta-da-da bop . . . )
With a tear in her eye:

"Watch out where the huskies go, and donít you eat that yellow snow
"Watch out where the huskies go, and donít you eat that yellow snow"

Well, right about that time, people
A fur-trapper (who was strictly from commercial)
Had the unmitigated audacity to jump up from behind my igloo (peekaboo)
And he started into whippin' on my favorite baby seal
With a lead-filled snowshoe

I said, with a lead-
Filled
With a lead-filled snowshoe
He said, "Peekaboo"
I said, with a lead-
Filled
With a lead-filled snowshoe
He said, "Peekaboo"

He went right upside the head of my favorite baby seal
he went "whap" with a lead-filled snowshoe, and
he hit him on the nose and hit him on the fin, and he
that got me just about as evil as an Eskimo boy can be. So I bent down
and I reached down, and I scooped down and I gathered up a generous
mitten-ful of the deadly yellow snow

The deadly yellow snow, from right there where the huskies go!

Whereupon I proceeded to take that mittenful of the deadly yellow snow
crystals and rub it all into his beady little eyes with a vigorous
circular motion hitherto unknown to the people of this area, but destined
to take the place of the mudshark in your mythology
here it goes, the circular motion, now

Rub it!
(Here Fido)

And then
In a fit of anger
I pounced

And I pounced again

Great googly moogly!

I jumped up and down on the chest of the him
I injured
The fur trapper

Well he was very upset, as you can understand
And rightly so, because the
Deadly yellow snow crystals had
Deprived him of his
Sight

And he stood up, and he looked around, and he said

"I can't see
"I can't see
"Oh, woe is me
"I can't see

"Well.....you know
I can't see
Nothin'

"He took a dog-doo snow cone and stuffed it in my right eye
He took a dog-doo snow cone and stuffed it in my other eye
And the husky wee-wee
I mean the doggie wee-wee
Has blinded me
And I can't see
Temporarily"

Well, the fur-trapper stood there, with his arms outstretched across the
frozen white wasteland, trying to figure out what he was going to do about
his deflicted eyes. And it was at that precise moment that he remembered
and ancient Eskimo legend, wherein it is written (on whatever it is that
they write it on up there) that if anything bad ever happens to your eyes
as the result of some sort of conflict with anyone named Nanook,
the only way you can get it fixed up is to go

Trudging across the tundra
Mile after mile
Trudging across the tundra

Right down to the parish of St. Alphonzo




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